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My Profile
Unfortunately this is one of the people from my neighborhood. - 2008-05-08
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2:03 p.m. - 2008-05-08
Funny but I'm better able to handle the 3rd world AIDS epidemic than I am my dental hygienist. Perhaps because despite the misery of AIDS there is hope. Hope of help. Hope of cure. Whereas there is no hope for my hygienist at all. This morning I went to the dentist for my regular check-up and cleaning. I was upset already because my wonderful bookish dentist had given it up and installed one of those horrible waiting room TVs. I mean, c'mon! Have we become such brain dead passive infants that we must constantly nosh on the glass teat? Is it possible there are people who can't amuse themselves for 5 or 10 minutes without a fricken TV? If so then AIDS and the rapidly accelerating climate collapse don't matter, we are lost anyhow and not worth saving. I'm trying to read my book over the TV's racket and finally my nerdtastic hygienist sticks her head into the waiting room and announces she'll see me now. On the TV Rachel Ray was gassing with Valerie Bertinelli and I see the hygienist's eyes flick up at the screen. I close my book and follow the hygienist's tightly clenched ass down the hall to the exam room. Out of nowhere she busts out with, "I hate Valerie Bertinelli!" I'm rather taken aback by such a passionate outburst from a woman who's so white bread her hygienist's uniform is probably way more fashionable than her regular clothes. Don't get me wrong here, nerds are some of my favorite people, but my hygienist is one of those women who is so buttoned-down and bland that you can't believe she's ever engaged in oral sex. (Which, when you think on it, either a dental hygienist would be very good at or completely horrified by depending on how yucky her job and patient load is.) In the downbeat after her outburst my mind rapidly scrambled through the possible causes for my hygienist's hatred. Scarred by One Day At A Time during her early teen years? Had a grudge against Lifetime movies? I was pretty sure she had nary a clue who Van Halen was, this is a square dance and polka chick if I ever saw one. (Again, no offense to the gingham lovers and accordion freaks out there, remember my secret ambition is to do the horizontal bop with Weird Al.) So I'm kerflummoxed. How could anyone hate Valerie Bertinelli? That's like hating kittens. I like Valerie Bertinelli. Always have. As one of the pumpkin head clan myself I adore her round face. Her gurgly laugh. We share kinship in naming our sons Wolf. (Hers is a Wolfgang and mine is just Wolf, but no matter.) I am delighted that after getting the shaft from that asshole Eddie that Valerie lost the weight, wrote a book and is jumping back into life with good humor and gusto. Valerie Bertinelli gets a big ole "You go, girl!" from moi. Hate Valerie Bertinelli? My hygienist's head was cracked. (As for her other crack it had probably sealed itself back up again after providing her husband with an heir.) Just as I was about to speak of my delight with Valerie Bertinelli's renaissance the hygienist busted loose again. "Who does she think she is? She's older than I am and she looks great! Not fair! She lost all that weight and I can't! I hate her!" Oh. What a creep! Another jealous begrudger. Can't be happy for someone who's put her life back together, can you? Gotta hate and belittle someone for doing something you obviously lack the discipline for. You are part of the sickness, lady. It's people like you who are dragging us all down. You jealous petty ones who can't bear to see others get ahead. You who are so small that there's no pleasure or inspiration in others' good stuff, only the opportunity for spleen venting and ugliness. How on Earth does Valerie Bertinelli remaking herself and reclaiming her beauty and talent at 48 give you any reason for such nastiness? There's nothing 'unfair' about any of this except your shitty attitude toward a woman who's done you no harm. She's not stopping you from dieting. She's not coming to your house to force feed you doughnuts. Grow up, you sorry cow. I'm going back to Ethiopia and AIDS. It's far less disgusting than my dentist's office.
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