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Diary Rings

Gift from Hil Part 2 - 2014-12-30
A Gift from Hil - 2014-12-28
There was A LOT of turkey. - 2014-12-04
Can we just jump to January please? - 2014-11-14
A (don't kick the) Bucket List - 2014-10-28

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1:33 a.m. - 2014-03-19
The Last Hurdle

I've never been much of a follower or a joiner. Not from any sort of prideful mindset like: "Ooo look at me! I am so special and unique! Be awed and humbled by my extra cool singularity!" Far from it, there have been times when I was desperate to fit in. My inability to be part of the gang is a glitch. A small missing piece of DNA same as my inability to play chess or differentiate between certain shades of blue and green. Just not wired to conform.

BUT...since denying science is so chichi these days I've decided to jump in and join up. Bah on those lame-o climate change deniers. Ditto for the 'creationists'. I'm going for the gold. Yes, I've chosen to not believe in gravity. It's totally not real. 'Gravity' is just some bullshit propagated by the liberal elite. 'Gravity' can't be proven. Has anyone ever seen gravity? Does the Bible ever mention gravity? No. Ergo 'gravity' isn't real. And any second now my boobs are going to rise back up and my jowls will disappear and any time I want to vacuum under the couch I'll be able to lift it off the floor with the mere touch of my index finger. No such thing as 'gravity' for this girl. Nuh-uh.

In other news. Veronica Mars. Tore through all three seasons. Bought, downloaded, and watched the movie. Originally I was going to drag Mick with me to see it in the theater but discovered the movie was crowd-sourced on Kickstarter and has already paid for itself through donations. Buying it on Amazon and watching it here at home would put as much extra into the pot as going to the cinema to see it. At least as far as profits go. Major double plus bonus- not having to try to explain to Mick what the hell was going on. I'd already made him sit through every single Harry Potter movie and that was enough spousal loyalty on his part. Triple bonus- not having to deal with cretins who insist on talking through the entire movie. As they have during every goddamn movie I've seen since 2006. Going to the movies has become so stressful and upsetting I refuse to go anymore. And I used to love going to the movies and I miss it. So no, I didn't get to see Veronica kick ass on the big screen, but I did get to enjoy the movie on my own terms, in my comfy chair, and completely uninterrupted or intruded upon by rude shitheads who can't keep their big yaps shut.

What do I think of Veronica Mars? I like her. Am I slightly disappointed that she's another tiny, fashionably dressed blonde ala Buffy? Yeah. Someday TV shows and movies will have female leads who are acne-prone/tubby/brown skinned/wear glasses and otherwise look like the rest of us. But yay for having a badass female lead! Especially one who's not perfect. Veronica Mars is tough and smart and intuitive, but she also uses her friends, falls for the wrong guy every time, and is morally ambiguous. She is no paragon, that's for sure. And I'm down with that.

Veronica Mars definitely owns period-stained underpants.

Real life? Well that's been harsh lately.

Mick and I are rolling up on our 7th anniversary. Our first date was March 28, 2007. No real dates with other people since then. I did meet up with two of my other potentials, but only to wish them well and say good-bye. Mick was a done deal from the get-go.

I knew going in he and I were almost complete opposites in every way. Our world and personal views started at the far end of the track from the other and our lives since have been an exercise at meeting in the middle. A successful partnership. He's helped me stand up and I've helped him stand down. I've reined in his profligate approach to money and he's coaxed me out of my punishing frugality. I trust him with my safety and my heart enough to fight for myself. Doormat LA is a relic of a sad past. I call him on his hubris and hypocrisy and in doing so have discovered what I truly want. How I want to live and who I should be. Mick has found out he does have some stretch, a capacity for compassion and forgiveness he never knew he had before me and he likes it.

Easy? Not a bit. But what truly worth having is easy?

FIL's continued bad health is the least of the hard row to hoe we have in front of us right now. I am still dealing with the ex's mess and tomorrow (later today, actually) I have to begin a process so scary, so chancy, so goddamn unfair that the gall of it has turned me into an insomniac hag. All wrinkles and droopy body fat and broken blood vessels in my face wandering the night with clenched fists and a mouth that tastes of sour copper.

But I cheer myself with the mantra that this is the last thing, the hardest, but the last.

Everything that comes after is MY doing. The results from MY choices. I'll fuck up plenty. Or I'll be the first person in history not to. But at least from here on out I'm in the driver's seat. How the rest of my life plays out will be for me to screw up or get right.

If you love me at all send me the energy and good will I need to be strong.

Thanks, ~LA

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