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5:13 p.m. - 2012-09-26
Jewish by Osmosis

So Mick got home from the gym just before and asked what I'd done while he was gone. When I replied, "Not much," he mock grumbled that at the very least I should have come up with the theory of everything. I tsked at him and said, "Duh! 'If your underpants aren't binding then everything else is gravy.' That, dearheart, is the theory of everything." He thought on it for a minute and nodded. "Works for me."

For real. Think about it. If your underpants are up your crack you can't do or think about anything else. If Newton's underpants were jammed in his heinie when that apple fell on his head we'd have no physics. He'd have been all, "Who cares about motion theory? My underpants are giving me a wedgie!"

Why do you think Neil Armstrong messed up his little speech when he first stepped foot on the Moon? That spacesuit gave him a killer melvin. There he is up on the fricken Moon and eleventy billion people back on Earth are waiting for him to say something and all he can think about is his butt. Hence he didn't say, "One small step for A man, one giant leap for mankind." He was too busy hoping the cameras would pan away so he could pick at his ass. Nobody wants to adjust their underpants in front of eleventy billion people.

Stone truth.

And why was Mick at the gym in the middle of the day on a Wednesday anyway? Because it's Yom Kippur. The day of atonement for the Jews. A day to squeeze in an extra workout for the goyim. I know that the Jewish high holy days aren't school holidays outside the tri-state area, sucks to be you. We like having Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur off. Some, of course, because these are the biggies in their religious year. And others because they get in a mid-week workout.

Me being a Jew-witch type person I have been using the day to think about where I screwed up and who I might have hurt and how I can improve upon the lousy mindsets and behaviors which caused the year's assholery. The one thing I'm pretty clear on is I am not an actively evil sort of person. I devote zero energy to making anyone else feel like crap. This, however, doesn't mean I never hurt feelings or leave other people hanging. I know I do. Sins of o-mission rather than sins of com-mission. If I don't say mean things I do have to acknowledge I sometimes opt out of saying anything and know in my heart that I should. I should be more supportive, extend a helping hand, or just open my yap and say hello once in a while, and instead I drift off into my own private Idaho and pretend that simply because I'm not being a mouthy opinionated dickhead it's all fine.

Like for instance I shouldn't be giving myself snaps because I haven't said anything to my FB people about the feet pictures. If I were truly a brave and good friend I'd find a loving and tactful way to say, "Enough with the feet pictures! You're grossing everyone out here with your feet! No! We don't want to see your pedicure, new instep tattoo, bunion surgery, peep-toe platforms, heel cracks, and toe cleavage! Of course we're glad/sad/happy/wishing you a speedy recovery! Just stop PUTTING YOUR GODDAMN DISGUSTING FEET IN OUR FEED EVERY DAMN DAY!!! Some of us haven't even had breakfast yet and you're up in our grills with your grossiosso feet pictures. Even if you're wearing socks enough with the feet. Really."

See? A decent and kind person could figure out how to say that without shouting.

On a more truthful note, I do sincerely apologize to those I have let down with my disappearing act. I have allowed my own selfish pleasure in my new little-to-no drama life supersede my responsibility as a friend. I have been a coward. And way too far up my own butt and justifying my shoddy neglect with comforting lies about how I'd earned this peace and bore no responsibility to those who are still fraught and angsty because it bums me out. It's arrogant. And mean. Not everyone who chimed in with love and good advice and solace when I was deep in my own mess was running at 100%. Yet you still mustered up the wherewithal to give me a hug and a hand. Who am I to opt out now that I'm doing okay? And clap my hands over my ears and chant, "Lalalala! I can't hear you!" because I want to wallow in the first bit of safety and quiet I've ever known? If anything I should be wading back into the fray and helping more now that I'm mostly out of my own crap. But I haven't. And for this I am a selfish cow and I admit it.

I am truly sorry. Like the 12-steppers say, "One day at a time." And today I am acknowledging that inaction isn't always consequence-free and kindly benign. For today I am working on being a better friend and being more present in the lives of those I care about. Follow-through isn't my strong suit though, another thing I need to improve on. Tomorrow might find me backsliding and all withdrawn again, but I hope not. In any case I'd like to say thanks to all of you- friends, trolls, lurkers, whatevers. Because you've been out there on the other end of this odd, new-fangled shout in the dark I am still here. Not just still here at the Sage page blogging away after 11 years, but here on this Earth at all. What I got from you literally saved my life. For this I am grateful and own up to the fact I have not always done my best to pay it forward.

I ask your pardon and forgiveness for my (mostly) benign neglect and with this realization own up that I can (and will!) do better.

Zay Gezunt, ~LA

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