My Profile
Diary Rings

Gift from Hil Part 2 - 2014-12-30
A Gift from Hil - 2014-12-28
There was A LOT of turkey. - 2014-12-04
Can we just jump to January please? - 2014-11-14
A (don't kick the) Bucket List - 2014-10-28

Join my Notify List and get email when I update my site:
Powered by

11:58 a.m. - 2011-12-20
On The Eve of The REAL Celebration

I swear to you it's not FB that's lagging my entries these days, but simply my life and its complexities. And perhaps it's age. I need to shout a lot less these days. I'm pretty certain I exist even without making a lot of noise and depending on a claque to prove I'm here and doing okay. Don't misunderstand, I am very fond of you guys and know that without you this feeling of strength and calm would NOT have been possible. I know in my heart if I hadn't stumbled into D-land and found the friendship and love which came to me through this messy blog I wouldn't be alive right now. It got THAT bad. Back in 2001, before the horrors of 9-11, in the dim dark days when I was fat, overwhelmed, and in so much pain and gagging on loneliness and the best I could do was feebly call out into the darkness that surrounded guys were there.

You came and heard me and saw me through my defenses and walls and bullshit and loved me a lot. You loved me and talked to me and wanted me even when I couldn't possibly love or want myself. Disbelieving and shut down in my soul because I hurt too much and had been alone too, too long. All my life, really. Yet like some pocket change dropped in a bell ringer's kettle- no biggie to the giver but everything to the getter- you guys said hello and offered a hand up out of my darkness and truly cared about me and gave me the greatest gift of all...friendship.

Because of you, my mostly unseen friends, you good folk who've only known me via this screen and keyboard, because you took me in and made me a part of your lives I have this good life now. I exist to myself because when I was at my worst and felt most worthless I was real and valuable and wanted by you.

So thank you. And Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Good Yule. Joyous Kwanzaa. Festive Festivus. Whatever it is you mark and celebrate with light and love in this darkest time of year I wish you a good one.

I'll be back tomorrow with a report on the tangible results your friendship has brought to my life. With (hopefully) good news about Wolf, this house, and the future.

Love you lots and am more grateful than you can possibly understand, ~LA

3 Wanna talk about it!

previous // next