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11:18 a.m. - 2011-07-12
Plastic Fantastic

I considered posting my thoughts on this in her comments but was afraid it'd run long. In a recent entry Poolie was talking about plastic surgery and the sometimes absurd results. On my top mind I agree with her and many of the commenters, that too much is obviously too much and that an old face is better than one turned into a cartoonish (and often) frightening caricature.

But…I can truly understand how somebody might end up with a cartoon face and balloon boobs. I think about plastic surgery. A lot.

Funny, I don't want to pretend to be 32. I was a jackass when I was 32. I enjoy 48 year old LA much more than that turbulent high-flying mess I used to be.

I don't want salacious attention from men. The baggage that comes with being a walking wet dream is something I am gruesomely familiar with, so not worth trying to get back to being Bombshell Barbie to get attention from men. I've been groped, drooled on, pinched, propositioned and treated as a dirty joke quite enough for several lifetimes, thankyouverymuch. Besides, I get all the attention I want and need from one guy. Not only does he think I'm beautiful just as I am, Mick adores and respects ALL of me- the inside even more than the outside. What could the wink and smile from a passing stranger give me that's better than what Mick gives me? I am thoroughly loved and because I am my needy 'must-have-validation-at-all-times' days are long behind me, whew.

Don't make my living in the public eye. At least my face doesn't. Should I ever have the great good fortune of doing a book tour I would hope the people who come to see me do it for the words, and not to pick apart my appearance.

I haven't had one of those horrifying encounters where someone didn't recognize me because I've gotten so old-looking. "Ohmygod, LA! What hap…um…you look…it's been a really long time, hasn't it?"

Yet the other day as I futilely tried to do something to the bodice of my new bathing suit so the girls would be decently contained I realized I am going to have to wear a sports bra beneath my bathing suits from now on. No matter how pricey the brand (yes, I've tried on $200 bathing suits) the suit that could keep my sagging sprawling tired tits in line has yet to be invented. I'm not talking fabulous figure here, I'm talking about a modicum of support and coverage.

Surgery would help with that. Sure, if I went through the pain and expense of having a breast reduction/lift I'd want them to look good, but my main objective is crazy shit like blouses that button, bathing suits that fit, and the occasional sundress with skinny straps. No visible double strap thing for me. Not with the armor plated bras I wear now anyhow.

My face is a tougher case to make, at least that surgery wasn't a vanity purchase. Getting rid of the baggy eyelids would help my vision. I swear I have to deliberately open my eyes super wide just to see the world as I used to. Any idea how difficult it is to keep my face like this all the time?

Not only is it tiring, but I look like I just discovered a snake in my underpants.

So eyelids that don't weight my eyes half-closed would be fab.

As for the mess hanging below my chin? I just want it gone, okay? I've had a round face with a hint of double chin my whole life. Hated it. No matter what I weighed that sunken-cheeked, swan-necked sultry thing was never mine. Now that gravity has worked its malign magic the apple cheeks have melted into jowls and the sagging pouch beneath my chin could hold four smelts and a mackerel. Pelicans may be Ms Steph's favorite bird, but it doesn't mean her best friend should look like one.

I. Hate. It.

Aside from getting a tighter under-chin than I ever had, all the changes I want are actually just restorations. Restorations within reason and esthetic sense.

As I said at the top…(NSFW)

But I wouldn't mind putting some stuff back where it used to be. ~LA

8 Wanna talk about it!

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