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9:53 p.m. - 2011-05-23
In The Flesh

I was in the bathroom just now doing my face…um…applying moisturizers and cosmetics. ('Doing my face' all of sudden sounded wrong in a Beavis and Butthead sort of way.) My glasses were in the catch-all basket, and usually I don't need to put them back on until I'm finished because my make-up routine doesn't vary much and I can grope my way through, but today I dropped the mascara wand and needed my specs to find it. This got me thinking about how I've always liked the idea of wearing my glasses on a chain. Seems convenient. I like the way it looks too. Why? Who knows? I just do. So I finished my make-up while musing a happy mind's eye story about having glasses on a chain and then reality caught up with me. I wear my glasses full time, except for washing and such, I never take them off once they go on my face in the morning. Which, btw, is even before my feet touch the floor. I don't need a chain. I'm not going around bare-eyed all day and only needing to pop my specs on for a bit of close work.

Then I thought, "So what?" I could put a chain on my glasses anyhow. It would give the impression my glasses probably would come off soon, but I was using them at the moment. Nobody would ever know my glasses never hang on the end of the chain. Good. Smart thinking. I was pleased for a bit but then reality sidled in again and I visualized how the chained glasses would actually look on me. Dopey and self-defeating. I'm dying of shame already about my jowls, sure, lets add sparkly doodads to the sides of my face! Draw the eye right there to jowl city. Sharp thinking, hon.

And what if I decided to use the chain as it was intended? I take my glasses off to be suspended by my sparkly doodad jowl-enhancing chain and you know what? They wouldn't hang down neatly like some low placed brooch, a funky accessory to go with my hot librarian cashmere twin set. Nope. With the prow I sport the glasses would barely get below my chin before they fetched up on the boobage. Probably resting there lenses up so to anyone coming toward me it would look as if they were being leered at by a pair of myopic breasts.

Bedazzled jowls and near-sighted tits. Yup, WWD would send someone right over to get the scoop on such an awesome new fashion trend.

Better looking in my fantasies, ~LA

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