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11:42 a.m. - 2011-01-13
Eggs over hard, white toast

My fabulous friend, Mary put up a funny post about what she'd do if awarded $65 million. Her ideas are pretty cool, I especially like the one about weaving placemats out of $100 bills. I have, on occasion, thought about what I'd do if I was suddenly the owner of a humongus wad of cash. My imaginings are actually really lame. I think about paying off the house mostly. Sometimes I get really nutty and decide I'd hire a landscaper and maybe (OMG!) have the driveway repaved. Because, you know, I live large like that.

There's always one thing I come back to though, one slightly outrageous thing that gets on the list every time. If I had a zillion gajillion dollars I'd leave $100 tips for breakfast waitresses. Every time. Even if I ordered the #2 breakfast which is just eggs, potatoes, and toast with no meat.

Why breakfast waitresses? Because they get hosed. Because breakfast waitresses work harder for less money. The average breakfast tab runs about half of what a dinner tally comes to and since tips are calculated by the check's total this means the waitress's cut is about half of what she'd make if she was schlepping burgers and the meatloaf special rather than hauling bagels and french toast. Also I know from bitter experience breakfast people are more demanding. Customers are pretty damn picky about how they want their eggs and if they're not exactly right then back they go. Breakfast customers always want more of something too. You could back a tanker truck of Aunt Jemima up to their table and they'd still make you fetch more syrup. Or jelly. Or a piece of pie. And coffee? Don't get me started about the coffee. At dinner you might have to bring drink refills once, maybe twice. Unless they're boozing and then you'll have to make lots of trips with new sloe gin fizzes, but that's okay because booze runs the total up really high really fast and even if completely plastered the sloshy customer will know to leave more than pocket change on the table for a $247 combined bar and dinner tab. But breakfast? You'd best be hauling the coffee pot over to your tables every 4 minutes or face the same kind of angry rabble mob that brought down the Bastille.

Another thing breakfast customers do? They sit. And sit. And sit. They read the entire NY Times and then ask to trade for the local paper. And then they read the whole of that too. And all the while you're refilling the coffee and refilling the coffee and refilling the $%&# coffee and fetching more creamer and more jelly and more syrup and not ONE of those trips nets you a single addition to the check's total. Those coffee swilling syrup lapping newspaper readers will sit at your table for 17 hours. And leave a $2.00 tip.

That's why I'd leave C-notes for the breakfast waitress.

Been there, done that, remember it well. ~LA

8 Wanna talk about it!

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