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2:54 p.m. - 2010-06-03
Sick of the small.

Group was rough today. In a good way, but I'm wrung. It's interesting to discover how much time and energy I spend maneuvering things around to avoid pain. How little leeway I give myself, crossing Ts and dotting Is, constantly warding up and wrapping myself in armor so I can't be hit and hurt by the ankle biters of the world. Any defaulting on things because of carelessness or stupidity and I feel vulnerable. Stupid things- tables are set with geometric precision, no chipped nail polish ever, any flaw, any sign of failure or weakness and I'm freaking out. "Oh NO! I'm going to get it now! Somebody is going to be nasty to me!" I even do it here, I'll correct grammar flubs in days' old entries, blushing madly and clenched of stomach because god forbid someone do some archive diving and leave a nasty comment on my incompetent noun-verb agreement or a misplaced apostrophe.

I realized I've had ENOUGH shit dished out to me over picayune crap and will tie myself into knots to avoid cheap shots.

Disagree with my take on something? Fine. That's fair. Everybody has their own opinion. But smack me with a smirking dig about how I misused a semi-colon and I cringe.

When I get over-tired or too tightly wound I'm apt to stumble when I speak and I loathe being twitted about it. I cry inside, "For Christ's sake! Cut me a break already! I'm doing my best here! Was it fucking necessary to make a mock of me for a slip of the tongue? For an exhausted stutter? Was it? C'mon, don't be such a douche."

I detest the small minded, the human hyenas. All trees, no forest.

It's the joy of it that I hate. The self-satisfied pleasure in wanting to inflicting pain over something miniscule. The orgasmic pettiness. The predatory glee. It's so unfair. I can see it for what it is, the pathetic sniping of the small-souled wiener with zero compassion or decency, the striking out by someone with nothing else going for them except a delighted willingness to harp on others who chose to live large and thus take the occasional pratfall, but goddamn that miserly pleased smallness of character is a lousy way to live. And I do not like leaving myself open to their cheap shivs to the ribs, their happy hamstringing. Why? Because life is too short and I hate being dragged down to their tiny nasty level. Better not to give the world's trolls any ammo so I can keep to my illusion that people are basically decent. So I am not poisoned with their filth, even for a moment. I've had a bate of the ugly and the mean nitpickers and do not like giving them an opening. My mother was their queen and my ex-husband their ambassador and I had to live with (and feel!) their sick joy in being douche bags since ever! And I do NOT want to deal with them and their ilk anymore.

It's not that I can't take it, it's because I don't want to. Not anymore. Can't stand it that I should have to. I'm thoroughly sick of having to be the bigger person and just shrug off their awful antics. I'm all done with having to wade through my utter disgust with others' pathetic priorities. Just grow up already. Find your heart, live with some passion for something worthier than salacious celebrity gossip and anonymous flaming. It's sad and horrifying to me that so, so many people get boners because they can tell someone she has a run in her hose or toilet paper stuck to his shoe. That it thrills them to pounce on someone for a visible bra strap or rooty hair and be nasty about it. That someone's life purpose is to point out a 'flaw', to 'get over' on someone with a milk mustache. Like somehow your life has more meaning, you are a 'worthier' person because you were able to take someone else to task over a misspelled word or an open zipper.

Is that a life? Is it really?

Disgusting. Completely disgusting. If your day (or week or life) is made because you were willing to be an asshole, then I am truly sorry for you. But I am also soooo not wanting to be dragged into your cruddy little power games anymore. Homey don't play that game and I want out. Always and forever. If giving grief to others is your sole pleasure then you should really seek some help. In the meantime just leave me and others like me alone. Do us all that much good. Redeem yourself, even if it's just that much.

Accept the challenge to live a douche-free life, why don'tcha? ~LA

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