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4:27 a.m. - 2010-04-01
Fool me once, fool me always.

Can't decide if after 10 years of being online if it's nice or pathetic that I've never posted an April Fools joke. No phony posts about my encounter with an alien. No links to Onion-esque stories about how there's a charter school in Bed-Stuy that specializes in teaching deaf kids to yodel. Nuthin' jokey or foolish at all.

I'm not really one for pranks or mean humor of any sort. Used to be though. When I was a kid I was meaner than snake spit. Used to dupe my little (and extremely gullible) sister Gidget all the time.

Candy races were a big fave. We'd each have some treat like a chocolate bar and I'd challenge her to see who could eat hers the fastest. Like a doofus she'd gobble hers down and I'd pretend to congratulate her on her victory, then spend the next half hour sloooooowly eating my chocolate with torturous enjoyment. Smacking my lips and saying over and over how yummy it was. Gidge would glare at me with tears in her eyes choking on regret that I'd gotten her again.

Now I'm not saying what I did was nice or even funny, but you'd think after a time or two she'd have caught on, you know?

She never did.

Hey, she was cuter and the spoiled baby and everyone's favorite. I used to think I was sort of entitled to make a dupe of her. Being smarter was the only area I ever 'won'.

I used to pull shit like that on my mother too. She was another sucker. A real PT Barnum favorite, my mother. She was always intimidated by my brains, made me pay for being smart in a million humiliating ways, but she also sort of grooved on all this crap I knew. I'm guessing she kind of secretly thought she might not be as dumb as she was since she'd managed to produce this genius child. So once in a while I'd impress her with some 'fact' I made up out of whole cloth, always something that sounded real brainiac like how a certain kind of lichen only grew on lightning-struck trees or how Madagascar was the only place on Earth where the rivers ran east-to-west and like the complete schmuck that she was she'd go into the office the next day and tell everyone this cool thing she knew. Hoping to impress, you see. Ol' MM- legal secretary to the stars wasn't quite as dim as they thought, ayuh.

Every so often she'd get caught out when the lie I'd told her was just a leetle too fantastic to be believed by anyone with more than two alcohol-sodden brain cells. And my mom would get all affronted and insist what she said had to be correct, her daughter the genius had told her so!

You remember that scene in 'Blazing Saddles' when Sheriff Bart has just accepted the job in Rock Ridge and confuzzles the angry townsfolk by pointing a gun at himself and taking himself hostage? He drags himself away screaming for mercy as the confounded idiots watch helplessly as Bart retreats to the jail with his gun pointed at his own head?

Yeah, I could get away with shit like that all the time. Only problem was that I was such a whipped dog I never thought to do more than the occasional mean prank like that. If I'd been left a single grain of guts or belief in myself I would have had an entirely different life. I could have run circles around that dimwit mother of mine and made a place for myself in this world a whole lot earlier and a hella lot better than the crumbs and scraps I've always settled for.

Probably always will too. I might have traded in my evil prankster for a set of ethics and a life sworn to kindness, but it doesn't really serve me any better than my former smartass ways. I just get to lie to myself with a clearer conscience, that's all.

So, who's really the fool eh?

Binet, Simon and Wechsler might call me a genius, but I'm as dumb as a box of rocks really. ~LA

4 Wanna talk about it!

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