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3:26 a.m. - 2007-04-09

Because of his massive insecurity Mike always assumed I was evil. Everything I did was to 'get' him somehow. I never realized how draining this was. The constant defense against the assumption of ill will and never being seen as a kind and decent person wore me down, sucked my will to live.

For the first time ever I am finding out how it is to be believed in. To be seen as goodness itself. Mick's pleasure and gratitude for the tiniest gesture on my part is dumbfounding. He sees the way I treat him as a feast of fat things. I cook breakfast and he's full of praise over my thoughtfulness, like making sure I cooked enough sausage is a Herculean effort and something too wonderful for his heart to stand. It's hard to wrap my mind around it. So many years of slaving for nothing, to have my truly Herculean efforts be seen as so much tripe and more than likely just some plot of mine to make Mike look bad, and now to have Mick look at his breakfast plate like I'd presented him with the best thing ever is such a huge shift in perspective it's beyond my ken, you know?

Of course I want to make him a nice breakfast, but that's the way I am anyway. It's how I roll. Yet to Mick it's tangible proof of how wonderful I am. It's not that Mick thinks himself unworthy or anything, just that he sees my normal behavior and care as spectacular. It's amazing to be appreciated. Frankly it's a bit unreal. I'm not complaining, not at all. What I am is reminded of my usual deflection of the question, "Don't you ever wonder what you'd have been like if your life hadn't been so abusive and horrible?" I sidestep it neatly and say true that to think that way lies madness. I don't ever allow myself to go there. Too painful, and besides, it's not like I can go back and change anything, so to spend any time thinking about the things I might have accomplished or the wholeness of self I might have lived with for all this time…well, it's just stupid.

Except now I'm finding out. I'm getting to live inside that warm bath of approval. I am being seen as a good thing. More than that, to Mick I am the best thing. Someone to cherish. A woman whose very appearance in his life has made the first 47 shitty years totally worth it.

Until tonight I thought maybe he was a little cracked. Because he was so sure, you know? So certain he'd found the one thing he wanted forever and could not believe he'd had to live without until now. Demented, lovely but demented, my man Mick. Uh huh. All I can say is that some of us catch on slower than others. Tonight I got the epiphany which had rocked his world a few days ago.

This is what I have been waiting for my entire life.

This isn't infatuation. This isn't hormones. This isn't desperation, delusion or dumb. The other night he stayed awake holding me in his arms watching me sleep, which I thought was sweet, but a bit extreme.

Not any more. I get it now. ~LA

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