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Tell me all about it, dear...
Michelle - 2014-01-14 07:45:21
*just hugs you*
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momzonroof - 2014-01-14 13:35:41
somehow you made it out of some kind of incredible WTF!?! childhood... you look back and you can see what bad parenting is. that's never what you gave your kids, not even close. Alex is embracing his inner turd, let him, he's poisoning himself, he'll have to be the one to figure that out. He's the one missing out. when I was banished from my daughter's life, I built giant fortresses in my head, with moats and drawbridges made of the horrible horrible thoughts and assumptions about what she was saying about me or what she was wishing me, just horrible things I attributed to her. But they weren't the truth. the truth was she said some outrageous things, and she lied to people and she tore me down and tried to destroy me. but she hated herself the whole time, and secretly wished for her family back, including her mother. the truth was I wasn't a terrible mom, I was just a MOM, a basically nurturing person but with faults. and when I figured out how to be a better person, I became a better mom. Oh well. we grew up a little together. I'm just trying to say, question everything you're saying about yourself, is it the truth? be as fair and compassionate with yourself as you are with others. and I'm sorry and this is unsolicited "assvice," but oh well, lol! love you, friend, (((hugs)))
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alison - 2014-01-14 13:51:56
I hate to say this because he is your son and all and as a mother it is hard to see or say such a thing but even when you do it right some kids just get it wrong. It would be nice if we could truly "make" our kids from scratch but they show up with their own set of reality glasses, from the start, and they perceive the world through them. You can do everything right (though none of us do, that is just reality) and still end up with a lost. broken or just plain petulant child. It is not your failure. If, as an adult, Alex can not see your heartfelt intent then he hasn't moved emotionally from child to adult, some never do, I'm sorry to say. My mother was often violent, verbally abusive and out of control but she came from an alcoholic family and never drank, she was physically and emotionally abused and she loved me the best she could. I am an adult and I know we do the best we can with the tools we have. If he can not forgive and love despite and hurts he holds onto then he has not grown up. That is not a failure on your part, it is a failure on his. We can hold onto the hurts from our past and assign blame to our parents or we can see them as flawed or just plain human and as adults put aside such childish things as blame and strive to live our lives with humility and compassion. I share some of your life experience (though thankfully not all) and I too have backed away when I should have leaped, but where I have landed is warm, loving and peaceful and at our age that is a nice place to be. Don't worry about what isn't and enjoy what is. Hugs to you, celebrate where you are because of what has come before and revel in the warmth of this moment. Just my two cents, for what it is worth. I wish you Peace.
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Amy - 2014-01-14 17:15:29
The thing that has helped me the most in the face of negativity is realizing that when people treat you badly, it says more about them than it does about you. Clearly, Alex has a lot of unresolved emotions regarding his childhood. Putting the responsibility of his pain on you is a way to not take responsibility for it himself. This is not uncommon, we all do it sometimes. It's very easy to say, "Because so-and-so did this to me, I HAVE to be this way." Listen, there is something that I'd like to add and it's not meant to blame you, at all. For better or for worse, I believe we're all doing our best all of the time. I went through about a decade of not really speaking to my dad, and even today (20 years later), we struggle to find any kind of connection (but now we both try). My dad was not on speaking terms with his own dad for his own reasons; and that man went to his grave without forgiveness. As a child, by watching him, I learned that that is how you deal with family that has hurt you--you cut them out of your life. As a young adult, I followed his example. This is not to say that you don't need to distance yourself for self-protection, but that's not what kids see when they're looking in from the outside. Perhaps it's too late to teach Alex anything new now, but perhaps not. I don't think anyone is ever too old to learn about the futility of grudges. I think it's a lot easier to proliferate forgiveness than it is to try to be 100% perfect all of the time. Much love to you. I hope that soon you free yourself responsibility of his pain. It can't be on you forever because you have no power to alleviate it. Only he has the power to let it go.
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Terri T - 2014-01-14 18:04:36
The previous comments have said it very well. What I was to add is that your sons are have part of your ex's DNA too. So maybe Alex is more like his father and just can't figure it out. Please stop putting yourself down. That only lets those who have always done that to you continue to control your feelings. You are going to be 51 years old, it's time to enjoy your life. And...Wolf will be right there beside you along with Mick to help you celebrate the real La.
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stef - 2014-01-14 23:43:46
Holy shit, totally forgot about the 4:30 movie! Thanks for aging us. 52 this month. Terri is right, maybe Alex has his dads DNA and can't cope with his emotions.
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poundheadhere - 2014-01-15 02:12:38
You have done so much right, I feel like crying with you for burying who you are, for being pushed to that point. You cannot and must not let your son's dismissal rule who you are. The naysayers are over and they don't have any right to steal your thunder any more. And for the record, that is the second time in as many days I've read that exact quote, the one at the beginning of your post.
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lorrie - 2014-01-31 10:57:43
You know what, my kids are so good (so far, no, I don't know if they are hood winking me but I am old and snoopy and nosey) that my oldest is ANGRY that she can't figure out how to rebel against me!!!!!
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