Tell me all about it, dear...

Amy - 2004-05-14 09:59:52
Manipulative people just suck. It's amazing how a person can be mean and selfish and nasty and still manage to convince you that YOU are the one who is inadequate and somehow wrong. I went through that crap with the first husband, and my mind still boggles at the way that evil bastard had me groveling for him. It's hard to know what to say at this point, sweetie, except that I understand and I'm here to support you.
-------------------------------
Trinity Sixty-Three - 2004-05-14 10:30:42
Hi LA - You know divorce sucks. I thought for sure when I was married to the asshole that I was sentenced to life with no parole. I wasn't sure where my next meal was coming. I just knew when I'd had enough, and I made it happen.

I am sorry he won't go to therapy, I am really sorry you two aren't getting along. While I am not an advocate of divorce, because as I said, "it sucks" -- I hope he realized how serious you are about what's happening right now in your marriage.

I am rooting for you. xoxoxo
-------------------------------
Ophelia - 2004-05-14 10:34:03
I'll support you all the way! I'm sorry it has come to this point, but at least you have been able to see the truth and thus act on it. Remember that is how abusers are, they rip you down to the lowest point so that they are a bigger person. Don't let him do it. I'm not sure what advice to offer you, maybe you can get some books on abused woman and how they over come it? No matter what you do, just don't go back to where you were - you are worth more than that.
-------------------------------
colz - 2004-05-14 11:53:28
I'm so sorry. No advice, just sorry things are so bad. C
-------------------------------
Bex - 2004-05-14 12:38:44
LA, your words had such a familiar ring to them...yes..I know! I was saying all those very words in July of 1976, while still married to husband #1... on his birthday, July 31st, I packed my things and left. I had no car. He took our one and only car. I rented a tiny 2 room apartment, within walking distance from my job at a hospital...and I got a bike. I did all my shopping 2 bags at a time and schlepped them home on that bike. It was a pain, especially in Winter in New England! AFter a while, I got a beat-up looking red VW bug for $500 (a fortune to me at that point) and I felt free then for the first time since I'd married him, 6 years earlier. I was free, and I never looked back. He didn't want to be single, but I did -- baaaad! I won. He went on to marry, have a daughter, become a town selectman, start his own lucrative business, and made a lot of money...he lives only a few blocks from us. But I went on to find the old love of my live, Paul, married him, went to England 8 times in 18 years, and bought a little cottage that needed lots of work, but there's love here...in spades... we have two dogs, and we both work hard for our living. But happiness is the key word...and you don't get any of that living with a man you don't love...even though the road outta there will be a tough one. You have to look to your friends and family for some assistance, and you can do it...somehow! I am praying for you! Bex
-------------------------------
Jessica B. - 2004-05-14 12:59:48
"8. Integrity Versus Despair (Wisdom) If the other seven psychosocial crisis have been successfully resolved, the mature adult develops the peak of adjustment; integrity. He trusts, he is independent and dares the new. He works hard, has found a well - defined role in life, and has developed a self-concept with which he is happy. He can be intimate without strain, guilt, regret, or lack of realism; and he is proud of what he creates - his children, his work, or his hobbies. If one or more of the earlier psychosocial crises have not been resolved, he may view himself and his life with disgust and despair." Erikson. He was a psychologist. Relevancy? Not much here. Sorry.
-------------------------------
Pandionna - 2004-05-14 13:09:09
Do you think getting a lawyer's card, and showing it to him will jar him to his senses? If you actually take steps, he may realize you're not messing around. Then again, if you don't love him--who he is inside--then maybe you should just use the information on the card and call the lawyer. I'm so sorry this is happening. Marriage has ups and downs, but it shouldn't be down so much.
-------------------------------
Stephanie - 2004-05-14 15:44:32
Love doesn't conquer all, but bullies shouldn't be allowed to, either. I, too, came to the realization that a roof over my head isn’t enough of a trade-off for the shit I had to eat for almost 2 decades. Soon, my house will be sold, and I don't know where my daughter and I are going to live, or how I'm going to be able to afford all the expenses. But, I don't care. I'd rather be homeless than spiritless. I wish you all the best.
-------------------------------
Ex - 2004-05-14 17:02:43
Gee I hope you feel better, and I know giving unsolicited advice is likely to annoy you, but here I go because I feel it's important. If you have been in this for 20 years or whatever, it doesn't seem like you should throw it away without really trying to make it work. Which you may, or may not have done, (I'm not sure, because one can never truly asses another's life based of thier dland posts) so isn't it worth a shot a couples therapy or something like that? Maybe the thearapist will be able to make your husband understand your pain. Because maybe he just doesn't understand what you feel. I don't know. I just feel bad for you and I am trying to say something constructive to help you fell better. Good Luck. There is never an easy fix for problems like these.
-------------------------------
EX - 2004-05-14 17:12:19
I also don't see how Erickson's crises relevent here. How old is your husband? I am not trying to start a flame war here, but those are just various stages of psychosocial 'issues' Erickson thinks everyone has to resolve at certain points during the lifespan. It's not an excuse for mysogny(sp?). And yes, I should have had the sense to actually read all of the comments before posting to begin with.
-------------------------------
bettyalready - 2004-05-15 00:18:40
My friend D is actually moving in with us because she has a 2 and 4 year old and is working and her former husband is not working, but has like a $2 million trust fund. She has no family that will help her like that. I moved in with my folks because I had to. Made very little money. How fucking scary. But the funny thing is you're health would be SO much better without him. The fact that you've been married for so long...not that it's any of my fucking business, but they factor in that stuff and if you need alimony, you fucking deserve it. I'm sure you can think of all the shit you've sacraficed as a mother and what he hasn't. If you have family, enlist their help financially if you can. Friends and family and sneakiness helped me. Saving money here and there. But you may not have the time to save a lot. I hope you get out of their before the health gets worse. It will get worse if you continue with him and I know you know that. Thinking of you.
-------------------------------
bettyalready - 2004-05-15 00:19:06
My friend D is actually moving in with us because she has a 2 and 4 year old and is working and her former husband is not working, but has like a $2 million trust fund. She has no family that will help her like that. I moved in with my folks because I had to. Made very little money. How fucking scary. But the funny thing is you're health would be SO much better without him. The fact that you've been married for so long...not that it's any of my fucking business, but they factor in that stuff and if you need alimony, you fucking deserve it. I'm sure you can think of all the shit you've sacraficed as a mother and what he hasn't. If you have family, enlist their help financially if you can. Friends and family and sneakiness helped me. Saving money here and there. But you may not have the time to save a lot. I hope you get out of their before the health gets worse. It will get worse if you continue with him and I know you know that. Thinking of you.
-------------------------------
bettyalready - 2004-05-15 00:19:11
My friend D is actually moving in with us because she has a 2 and 4 year old and is working and her former husband is not working, but has like a $2 million trust fund. She has no family that will help her like that. I moved in with my folks because I had to. Made very little money. How fucking scary. But the funny thing is you're health would be SO much better without him. The fact that you've been married for so long...not that it's any of my fucking business, but they factor in that stuff and if you need alimony, you fucking deserve it. I'm sure you can think of all the shit you've sacraficed as a mother and what he hasn't. If you have family, enlist their help financially if you can. Friends and family and sneakiness helped me. Saving money here and there. But you may not have the time to save a lot. I hope you get out of their before the health gets worse. It will get worse if you continue with him and I know you know that. Thinking of you.
-------------------------------
bettyalready - 2004-05-15 00:21:35
WTF????
-------------------------------
heldy - 2004-05-15 00:25:07
Hey LA this hurts to read. I'm really sorry. I have been there. You think after so long someone would know you. OT, I am giving my URL to a few selected. :) http://www.livejournal.com/users/vrijheid/ Hang in there!
-------------------------------
bettyalready - 2004-05-15 00:25:56
Did I mention I was sneaky. My former husband would and did try to screw me over (financially mostly) and I was lucky enough to have a lawyer. I also stood my ground. He didn't think I would. I didn't fight fair in the divorce because I knew he wouldn't. Now I'm going to post and see if it shows up 3 times again.
-------------------------------
Lisa - 2004-05-15 09:25:55
I'm so sorry things are so bad. Just be strong. If you need someone to talk to... I included my email. Take care.
-------------------------------

And you are?
One or (email):
The other (url):

Back to the entry - Diaryland