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11:23 p.m. - 2013-04-05
Looking For the Beat Again

'Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.' -William Congreve

The old magic worked again.

Teary-eyed and torqued for reasons unknown I spent the previous two days doing odious chores and giving myself those awful anti-pep talks that lade on the guilt and do nothing to motivate or help. I've been feeling particularly unlovely and unlovable for a while now. And the day after the wake Steph reported back to me that her mother (aka: Stephmom) had gone on quite the gushing spree singing my praises. I was so beautiful! Sooo stylish! Just one gorgeous hunk of woman. Instead of being flattered Stephmom's compliments made my heart hurt. Made me frantic with negation. Beautiful? No! No! NO! That LA does not exist anymore! I am a fat, juiceless, sexless pile of ugly. Aside from still being hell on wheels with the accessorizing there's nothing left of my former self. LA the Stunner has gone the way of Sputnik and rotary dial telephones. To think such a thing ever even existed is kind of laughable.

This is NOT a fishing expedition! I am being honest about how it is with me.

Today I went out to do a little shopping and finally take my winter coat to the cleaners. Getting ready took almost all day, the doldrums had attached 40lb weights to each ankle and even the thought of showering and dressing and doing my hair and make-up was exhausting. But the idea of Mick coming home to me still in my grungies, still moping, and still without having gone to the store for the third day in a row! Ouch. That got me moving.

The car radio did the rest. I know I wouldn't want to drive with me, my radio habits are as annoying as all hell. I'm constantly changing stations. I refuse to sit through advertisements. Or even a bad song. Fortunately the timing and the programming gods were kind and I was able to hit any number of terrific tunes. By the time I rolled up the driveway my mood was almost as sunny as the day.

Music sort of leaked away out of my life without me realizing it. The death of the kitchen boom box had a lot to do with it. I bought a replacement but it doesn't fit on the counter where the old one lived. The new one is on the console in the front hall and it's finicky and the CDs skip a lot. I tried I (heart) radio on my phone but it's imposs to wear headphones while I cook. And I'm not blaming Mick, but he does have a way of demanding my instant attention and it's awkward to have to keep turning my music down or take off my headphones. We hardly ever have music on in the car when we're together. Music just isn't part of his life, he finds it a distraction and annoying. It just got easier and easier to leave the music off while he's around until I kind of forgot how much I love it and I forget now to even put it on when I'm alone. Dopey, I know.

It's sad and entirely my own fault but I feel like I've given away and/or lost so much of who I used to be. I never thought I'd lose the good stuff as I jettisoned the bad stuff. Some things can't be helped. Like getting older. Time and gravity are never kind. Menopause certainly hasn't helped. But getting fat again is on me. Nobody held me down like a Strasbourg goose and force-fed me. I did that with my own little spoon and fork.

Feh.

Got the blues. That's all. It'll pass.

In the meantime I have my office back even if I'm still MIA. It's really quite lovely in here and far more spacious than I remembered. And the weekend is here. The guys are off from school and free to do their thing. If I had a thing I'd do it. Perhaps I'll go looking for a thing. And I'll have the car radio on while I do.


Chins up, old girl and remember the words of Kiki Dee. ~LA


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