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2:46 p.m. - 2012-11-30
Grinding Along and Wishing For a Shortcut.

The frustratingly slow figuring out how to be this new cleaned-up version of me goes on.

Not that I'd ever be so stupid as to blow the whole wad on foolishness, I am far too frugal (*coff* cheap) for that, but I do have a sneaking sympathy for those lottery winners who end up broke and in bankruptcy a few years later. It's fricken HARD to know what to do with yourself when the tough times are over. I might (would) always hang onto my fiscal prudence even if I won the Powerball, but money has never been my worst thing anyhow. My deficit has always been emotional.

Trust me, I know how dumb it sounds and how much of a relief it'd be to reach in through the monitor screen and shake me until my teeth rattle. "Jesus God in Heaven, LA! All you've ever done is whine about how lonely you've been. How pissed on and neglected. You HAVE what you've always gone begging for! Somebody loves you! Finally! And you still aren't delirious with joy all the time? Damn! Get your act together, woman!"

I am. Trying, I mean. Trying to be grateful always. Trying to be whole. Trying to do all the right things. Be pleasant. Be in the moment. Live the chemical-free uncloudy life. Love my guy. Love my kid. Let go of the past. Eat right. Get 8 hours sleep. Give over the external crap and bask in the internal satisfaction of a life without deprivation and pain. Be satisfied with what I have without ignoring the obligations to the future. Pay attention to the now and do what I can. Take care of those less fortunate. Practice kindness and be a generous person. Pay it forward. Be all I can be. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I know one of my biggest stumbling blocks is the curse of smarts. I have had the advantage of having 98% of whatever I turned my hand to come easily. Doesn't make for bulgy muscles in the area of stick-to-itiveness. Either I can do something well right away or "Feh, screw it." I am not skilled at nor have a great track record at the stuff which requires practice, practice, practice. Less able to deal with having my nose rubbed in failure than most folks, I admit this. Got that arrogant "What? Like it was hard?"* thing going on.

*Elle Woods in Legally Blonde on being accepted to Harvard Law School.

This, however, doesn't excuse my sorry ass for bumbling around and complaining as I have been recently. Like how the religious reassure themselves via the Torah, New Testament, and Qur'an I have been taking comfort in my sources of Life wisdom. Namely books and music and movies. See above and in the following.

When I want to grind myself down over my failures of character and beat myself up over being a nothing and a loser I think of Abilene and the socially conscious wish list she taught her charges:

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important." – Kathryn Stockett The Help

A life lesson we all could use, yes?

On trying to pay it forward:

“You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that.”
― E.B. White, Charlotte's Web

On finding joy and dancing when and where you can:


And on reminding myself to be patient. Patient with how slowly this house thing is moving through the banks and courts. How despite having found a new salon and getting 4+" chopped off my streelish mop I am still not satisfied with my hair! How every single day is a struggle not to light that butt or stop by the liquor store for some cheap vodka. And to finally getting that quacking, nagging, persuasively wheedling voice to shut the fuck up already and let me be the Good, Clean, Makes-Mick-Proud-Of-Me LA he wants and I want too. A hopeful reminder that it WILL come if only I give myself the chance and the grace space and permission to finally Do the Right Thing. It's time to be okay. It's time to be stand down from my wary defensive postures and comforting vices and finally, finally be healthy, safe and HAPPY.

It's my season. I hope.


Wishing you all a good weekend. ~LA


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