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My Profile
Gift from Hil Part 2 - 2014-12-30
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10:37 a.m. - 2011-04-27
I have no idea where this is going to go. Almost always when I cue up Word I have something solid- an anecdote, an opinion on a particular piece of news or trend, a topic sentence that puts me on the path however far I might wander after I start. Today I got nuthin' yet am feeling the need to say things. I know I have made myself too accessible to Mick and Wolf again. If I am not firm with my boundaries those two suck the life right out of me. Their needs, their feelings, their demands for attention, care, praise, and help bloat up into Macy's balloons that take up all the space. I am feeling very crowded right now. And the dopey irony is that when I'm at my most worn down with their stuff, when there's hardly any Me left, that's when I have to find the energy to push them back and off me so I can breathe. And it is so, so, SO hard. Because they don't move easily. Because they demand reasons and explanations and justifications and f-ing examples of their overstepping. My pleas to just be left alone are NEVER good enough. In their minds I have ceased to be a person who exists as my own self and thus entitled to do for myself instead of being at their constant beck and call. If I am going to 'deny' them their 'due' of my attention and concern then I'd best have a pretty goddamn long list of WHY I would be so 'selfish'. It's hard to hang tough when I'm such a jittery fried mess. When I have almost zero energy and my synapses are firing so slowly that the process of making coffee becomes a Herculean task is when (if I am to get myself back at all) I have to fucking dance. To fight my way back out of their smothering glomming need. Always surprised and hurt when the 47th interruption of the day isn't met with the same delighted smile and ready helping hands they assume I have in endless amounts ready and waiting just for them. But, but, but�all they wanted was a phone number, a decision about where to put the new bottle of dish soap, 5 minutes of my unswerving attention listening with rapt concern to the same complaint about school or work or the news they've made a 1,000 times already. Neither of them have ever noticed how seldom I barge in on them. How little I ask of them. How incredibly rare it is for me to demand their attention. At most I ask to be left alone. To let my batteries recharge, for enough space and privacy for the energy well to refill. I don't want or need for them to DO anything for me, just back off. Yet when I say this they get angry and defensive and needier than ever. And I am left with the absurd conundrum of having to decide which will cause me the least damage, use up the least amount of my already depleted resources- sticking up for myself and duking it out or just giving in and letting them barge around like always because the battle for myself is just too draining. Sadly it's most often the latter. Expediency wins out over truth. So I smile and listen and send them on their way again- crisis of the moment solved. Then pray I can sneak in some secret self-repair before they come back.
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