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Gift from Hil Part 2 - 2014-12-30
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4:27 p.m. - 2010-06-10
So yeah. It's been a while. For someone as prolific and chatty as I am these four absent days are equal to other bloggers' month away. I am going to try a Good Thing/ Bad Thing approach because too much whining is boring, but so is relentless inane cheerfulness. Good Thing Bad Thing You know what? I don't fricken care how autistic or what level of Aspie you are, that's just some cold shit. A huge clatter, screams of pain and cursing from your own g-d mother isn't interesting or important enough to elicit a response? Bullshit. I spun down into a bad, bad place. The one that remembered my ex-husband stepping over my prone body on the floor to make himself a sandwich. Couldn't even bother to ask why I was lying there or whether I needed help. The one who remembered the elder son who blames me for his own failures of character and has since refused to speak to me once I stopped footing his bills�and my heart broke. This younger son was cut from the same horrifically self-involved cloth. What the fuck do I mean to these people who I gave birth to? Loved? Gave up my own dreams and ambitions for? For what? That they can sit within 8' of me and not give a shit if I'd been hurt? Whether I was bleeding? If, God forbid, they needed to expend the massive energy to dial 911 before going back to their so very important activities? I cried and cried and cried. Felt so worthless, so duped, so inconsequential that it was almost beyond bearing. Just another reason I refuse to have a gun in the house. At that moment I would have happily blown my head off. A coward's death, surely, but preferable to having to live with the truth I mean nothing to the two people I gave birth to. Good Thing Bad Thing Always so much fun. Nothing like shitting yourself out of sheer abject fear to make a girl feel pretty. Good Thing Cool beans.
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