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My Profile
Gift from Hil Part 2 - 2014-12-30
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2:50 p.m. - 2010-05-12
No secret I haven't been 'here' for quite some time. I've been working diligently on figuring out where and why I went off track. Today, though, I said, "Screw it!" and decided just to go forward and nevermind why or how or where things went so bad for me. Yes, I have an incipient teenager, the very child whose infancy, toddlerhood and childhood I once thought would break me because they were so difficult, and holy crow, his teenage self looks to be just as challenging and hard. If not harder. Yes, I got laid off from my dream job and ain't no one queuing up to offer me another one. Not even a much lousier, less than ideal job. Yes, the face I used to scorn as an accident of genetics and nothing I should or would take credit for is rapidly disintegrating into some baggy, angry and sad-looking stranger and I've since found out I relied on that face far more than I ever acknowledged before its loss. Yes, I married under less than wonderful circumstances and absolutely loathe the idea I settled for nominal security again and am ashamed I am less present and participatory than this nice, unchallenging man deserves from me. Yes, nothing about my life will ever come easily or ever be what I hoped or wanted. Yes, okay, I fucked everything up again. So what? If it's not terrific, it's not as dangerous or as brutal as it once was. The finish line with my younger son is still far off, but it is imaginable. My work/creative life isn't turning out as I once hoped it would, and? Okay, I'm turning into a fat ugly hag. Big deal that my efforts to reconnect with my birth family came to nothing? So fucking what? What in my earlier life ever even hinted things would someday be different? Nothing. Not one jot or iota. Not the tiniest glimmer that anything wonderful was coming my way. Only blind and stupid hope. And hasn't that bit of stupidity walked me off enough cliffs already? You know it. So. Time to get on with things as they are and stop wanting/waiting for the good part to start. It is what it is. And if it's not great, it's not as completely awful as it once was. That's something, right?
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