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1:44 p.m. - 2010-04-20
Open Letters

To the driver of the sage green Sonata in front of me on the way to the gym:

Tapping your brakes every 10 seconds is counter-productive, bad for your car, and makes the people behind you want to follow you to your destination and beat the holy crap out of you when you get out of your car. To regulate your speed you should try taking your foot off the long pedal, waiting a few beats and you will see the car will slow down all on its own! Really!
Perhaps you were under the influence of a hallucinogenic drug and were braking to avoid the Cornish pixies that were swarming in front of your car, and while I appreciate your concern for the pixies, I assure you they will get out of the way if you just keep rolling. They are very clever that way.
In either case, I recommend a good driving school. There you will learn the proper way to operate an automobile and will get many warnings about driving under the influence of drugs.

Thank you, ~LA the Frustrated


To the sales clerk at Dress Barn who liked my hair:

It was a nice conversation, wasn't it? At least until you began to ring up my stuff and insisted I had to fork over a ridiculous amount of personal information to make a cash purchase. When I refused and stood upon my rights as a citizen you then had to ruin everything by waxing wroth about the recently passed Health Care Initiative and your own bitterness about that *muttered pejorative racially based slur* guy in the White House. Your bias and your complete obliviousness to the hypocrisy of demanding I tell you all my private info to buy a couple skirts and yet claiming violated victimhood about health care was upsetting and rather stomach churning. And the sotto voce epithet didn't get past me and I'm half-deaf. I will be speaking with your manager this afternoon.

You suck. ~LA the Formerly Uninsured and Current Fan of That Guy in the White House.


Dear Apple:

I get it that you're really, really busy with that iPad thing. Someday I might look into getting one myself, though it will be long after everyone else on Earth has one and has moved onto having holographic eye implants or something. In the meantime do you think you could up your production of 16G Nanos? They are impossible to come by. I'm even willing to give up choice of color (though I really want a purple one) just to finally have my very own iPod.
I've set a goal of doing 15 minute miles on the treadmill and having my music to distract me as I attempt to kill myself at Planet Fitness in the name of improved health would be a big help.

Yours truly, ~LA the Tuneless


To the wee baby squirrel in the driveway:

Please be more careful! I happen to be very fond of all you critters who live in my yard, except the damn groundhogs who are undermining my tool shed's foundation with their relentless tunneling, and wouldn't dream of deliberately harming you in any way. BUT you must learn to be wiser about cars and the damage they can do to a foolhardy baby squirrel who darts under their wheels. Unlike Cornish pixies, baby squirrels will be smushed if run over by a Ford Escort and then you will never find out what it's like to be a big grown up squirrel and have babies of your own someday. To say nothing of the excellent snacks I put out in the wintertime. Stop, look, and listen, okay?

Fondly, ~LA the Animal Lover


And how's your day been so far, kids? ~LA

7 Wanna talk about it!

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