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My Profile
Fairytales for a Practical Princess - 2008-11-30
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8:48 a.m. - 2008-08-14
How does a hyper-sensitive witch make a life with a guy who feels things so LOUDLY she can hear it from across the yard? If there was balance, a correspondingly LOUD happy to buoy me up, a wave of his joy to ride then I think I could deal better. There isn't though. With Mick it's all negative all the time. He rants, he fumes, he hoards things to be pissed off about. He declared the world an evil sucktastic place and the people who inhabit it complete slime when he was a teenager and hasn't budged in his opinion since. If anything he's worse. More jaundiced. More enraged. I've never been around anyone who spends as much time being angry as Mick does. Yes, he's good to me. But I'm the only light in his life. I'm the only one who passes muster. His relentless negativity is wearisome. I'm drowning in it and he refuses to acknowledge that. He's like, "I'm good to you. I don't bitch at you, so what's your beef?" My beef is having to hear this shit all the time. Whether it's spoken aloud or not, I hear it. And it's fucking endless. A maddening storm of his colossal rage. A fury at everyone and everything that's never over, never broken into with some sunshine. To me it's a stupendous waste of energy. Mine and his. I'm like, "Okay, so people are greedy and small and do fucked up shit. This is news? If everyone sucks so bad why the hell are you so angry about it all the time? Why keep loosing this infuriated maelstrom if you're already so sure people are lowlife scum? It's not a surprise, you expect people to behave badly. You wait for it, invite it even, and go out of your way to bring it on. So what the hell is your problem? Does it fix anything to snarl and fume? Are you winning some kind of sick contest? Making virtue from your rage at others' disappointing behavior? To whom are you proving things to? Not to me, that's for sure. I get to live in this seething crucible with you. I get to see my man act like a jerk and hear him spit bitter invective at everything. All this useless petty carping and hating. For what? It creeps me out that your world is so ugly. It makes you look small and childish. And mean. Relentlessly mean." How the hell can I respect a man who goes into a complete ranty tailspin over the delivery guy knocking down a driveway reflector? A million dollar hissy fit over a fricken $2.00 reflector on a stick. Some inexperienced boober of a kid made a minor screw-up and from Mick's response you'd think the kid had raped Mick's grandmother. There has been no crime against humanity as awful and as callous as this kid knocking over a stick. How could the kid BE such a screw-up? HOW? HOW? On and on Mick rages, fuming and carrying on. Railing against this latest evidence of the world's inequity and awfulness. And oh how Mick is violated! This boy touched Mick's reflector! Knocked it down! The agony! The sheer gall of that fucked up rotten delivery boy! How could Mick be treated so shoddily? How DARE this pissant do this to the Great and Virtuous Mick? Think I'm kidding? Smiling a little and smirking that LA is drama queening it again, just a bit? I wish. I truly wish I were. Mick's got bigger problems than I can fix. Besides, I am out of the fix-it business. I don't expect perfection. Nobody gets this far without some serious dents and cracks. I accept that and know myself to be pretty badly dinged up so it's not like I'm so perfect I'm entitled to a guy who's fresh from the showroom floor, but neither do I have to put up with being stuck with the nastiest, oil leaking, smoke belching junker on the lot.
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