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My Profile
Shark on the village green! - 2008-05-16
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11:31 a.m. - 2008-05-05
Since our blow-out on May Day things have been intense. Not uptight tense, but intense in that gut level truth sort of way. It's been frightening but good. I trust him with my raw self now. Not that I've been dishonest with him all this time, more that I've been careful not to leave myself open to the low blow and the sucker punch. If I spoke of a need I was careful to do so in such a way that it came across as logical and reasonable for him to provide. Just another wise investment in our relationship so the payout was steady and assured continued relationship growth much the same way certain blue chip stocks bolster a portfolio. At no time did I ever admit to how much I cared about having that need met. To have done so with anyone else was sheer folly. It was bitter and lonely but I learned not to ever show how important something was to me, this being the quickest, surest way to be denied it. Nothing gave Mike more pleasure than knowing how badly I wanted something and then holding it out of reach and mocking me with it. Quite the balancing act I've been doing, eh? To be honest and genuinely work at having a successful fulfilling relationship but never leaving myself in a position to be tortured. Always logical, ever truthful, but never, ever, ever truly vulnerable. I couldn't get past the feeling that if I left my naked self out there I was being a fool. If instead of being sensible about what I wanted from Mick I broke down and showed him how hungry I was for it I was absolutely guaranteeing I'd be tied to that stake in the yard and Mick would stand just outside the chain's reach dangling that pork chop laughing his ass off while I begged and whined and strained at the end of my tether. So quick with the positive reinforcement. "Thanks, honey. It makes me feel good when you brag on my cooking. I love it when you make those yummy noises at dinner. Makes me want to cook all day." At no point would I say, "You have no idea how badly I need to hear I did something right. How desperately I crave your approval and ache to be reassured I did a good thing. I'm still a big old ball of hurt inside and it's so soothing when you pat me." More than willing to allow him to make me happy, but never 'stupid' (ie: trusting enough) to hand him anything he could hurt me with. See what I'm getting at here? It was safe to let him know when he was doing right. But I never admitted I'd be devastated if he stopped. Never got past the secret fear he'd jerk the rug out if he knew how important something was to me. Couldn't shake the belief that to show my ouchie places wasn't just begging to be jabbed in them. No man can resist the lure of being a sadist, can he? Power tripping is ever more satisfying than loving. Give him a way in to hurt me and he do it. For the fun of it. Don't they all? No wonder he saw me as a marble goddess. I was. Funny, sweet and nice, but marble all the same. "Worship away there, pal, and I'll reward you with all sorts of goodies for I am a benevolent goddess, but you can't ever really make a dent in me. No mortal man can be trusted with the power to hurt the goddess. Because I know you would if you could. That's been proved. Frankly this goddess has had the shit kicked out of her too many times to ever believe her happiness matters more than your sick need to make her bleed. To feel biggety with the ability to inflict pain is what you guys live for, so go ahead a lay flowers at my feet but it's over my dead body I'll ever let you know how much those flowers mean to me. Because I know the second I did it'd be the last fucking flower I'd ever get." For all that time on the pedestal I refused to acknowledge I didn't want to be there. I wanted my humanity back but was too scared to say so and too burnt to believe I wouldn't be hurt, jeered at and dumped on if I got down so I stayed on my perch until finally I fell off in a drunken stupor. Surprised and shaken by this Mick's come around to understanding what a HUGE step this was for me and has made it his life's mission to prove he is worthy of my trust, no matter how grudgingly it was given. I'm still floundering some. Unsure exactly what to do with this man who says my trust in him is an honor and not an opportunity to dick me over. I admitted in some ways it feels a little constrictive to finally understand that what's really going on inside me matters to someone else. If I'd been an emotional Robinson Crusoe- all alone to live or die as I would, then it's weird and kind of unnerving to NOT be alone and to matter to someone. It's what I wanted, it's just scary to get it after waiting all this time. Scarier still to let that last bit of my guard down and admit to him that not only can he make me happy, but that he can make me hurt.
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