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Where'd I go? I was here a minute ago. - 2008-07-23
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10:49 a.m. - 2008-05-02
I couldn't have set off a bigger bomb in our relationship if I'd used actual TNT. Last night, though, my explosive of choice was alcohol. Lots of alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. The long smoldering fuse of my desperate stifled unhappiness finally burned down far enough, sparked the booze soaked pile of rags that was my tattered self and I went BOOM! That got his attention. (Mine, too, but that's another story.) To say Mick was upset is putting it mildly. He was furious. Enraged. Maddened and dumbfounded that I could do this to HIM. Wait a minute, LA, you say you were in so much pain, so lost, so lonely, so hurt that you got tanked? Yup. And that Mick who knows your wary relationship with the bottle and your fear of ever being physically vulnerable like that if front of a man, and who should have seen just how bad it was with you that you'd overcome those bulwark inhibitions and gotten plastered…and he made it all about HIMSELF? That is 100% correct. When this stupefying self-centered bullshit penetrated my haze it shocked me sober. No lie. I'd heard about such things, but knew too much about biology and chemistry to believe it. But it happened. One minute I was looped and the next I was not. Perhaps the residual alcohol burned off in the fury. All I know was my mind was sharp and my tongue sharper. I waded in. If this was how it was going to be then there was no point in holding back. I've spent a lifetime with the most outrageously selfish people in the universe. I wasn't about to sign up for more of it. I was done with being invisible. Either Mick saw me or it was over. Time for him to wake up and acknowledge that I am a whole human being with my own fears, my own needs, my own scars and if he loved as he claimed he did then he had to set aside his crap and deal with mine for once. He wasn't allowed to make me pay his freight and leave me to deal with not only all of my own stuff but his too. Nope. Not any more. How could I do this to HIM? Oh no, no, no. The question was, "What can I do for LA? How can I help her? My woman is bleeding out and that should be my concern. My only concern right now." It was a near thing. For a while I didn't think he'd hear me and I'd have to end it. Bottom line it didn't matter if he bought me sparklies, emptied the trash and kept the fridge loaded with my Diet Coke. Those are nice things and until a couple years ago they'd have been more than enough to make me happy. But I've grown too much for trifles to satisfy anymore. There's too much me inside me to settle for scraps. I was hurting and I expected my man to be there for me. I wanted to be hugged and soothed and listened to. What I did NOT want was to listen to Mick's litany of grievances and opinions. I didn't want to struggle to get a word in edgewise only to be over talked mid-syllable, be told my feelings were bullshit and then sit through another round of Mick's navel-centric griping. It was MY turn or it was over. Mick's Id-driven brain was far more difficult to penetrate than my booze haze had been, but eventually what I was saying to him got in there. And when it did the night's second bomb went off. It was a happy thing, if a little painful, to watch Mick reel in his suddenly expanded consciousness. He got it. He really and truly got it. Mick wasn't mouthing empty words, covering his ass and buying himself peace with a disingenuous white truce flag. The man was finally seeing me. More shocking to him still was the real LA, the warts-and-all woman, was better than the pedestal-ed goddess he thought he loved. No mere glossy marble representation of his 'perfect' woman this LA was made of flesh and guts and blood and tears. Touchable and human. And it was good. This iron-strong yet vulnerable woman was his. Had been the whole time and he was shaking over how close he'd come to losing me. So in a life filled with idiot irony another "Who knew?" adventure. I had to get falling down drunk to finally stand up. And Mick had to see how broken I was to finally see me whole.
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