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She blinded him with whiteness - 2008-07-25
Where'd I go? I was here a minute ago. - 2008-07-23
The Dented and the Demented - 2008-07-22
Mazdas and Mothers in Law - 2008-07-21
Serpent Girl - 2008-07-18

9:24 p.m. - 2008-03-31
It's A Mom Thing- Espisode 94

I really, really, REALLY didn't want to talk about things until I got some perspective. Then I realized I get a lot of my perspective from talking myself through all the gah.

So okay.

Wolf got home yesterday around dinnertime. Very first thing he did was hand me an invitation to Alex's wedding. In random order here are the first things I thought:

"Whew! At least I'm invited."
"Wow, Mick's name is on the envelope too."
"Why the fuck am I getting an invitation to my own kid's wedding? I gave birth to him and don't even get a phone call. Oh no, I'm invited like some dotty aunt who has to be asked, but everyone is secretly hoping she'll decline. Christ, there isn't even a personal note attached."
"What the hell am I going to wear?"
"And how many ex-inlaws are going to be there?"
"Do I even want to go to this thing?"
"I can just imagine the horrific picture of me my son has painted to his future inlaws and can't wait to meet them for the first time ever at the wedding itself."
"Who do I know that can score me a couple Valium?"

Here's what I've decided so far:

Mick, Wolf and I are going.
I will do what I've always maintained is the groom's mother's job- namely I will smile pleasantly, wear a boring safe dress, throw as much money at the kids as I can afford, and otherwise stay the hell out of the way.
I will NOT cringe, say bitter things, or in any other way be less than a perfect robot with whom no one can take issue because I am serene and oh so very nice. When it gets hard I will keep in front of me that this is my son's special day and whatever problems he and I have his wedding day is NOT the day to work them out.
I will NOT bitch-slap any of Mike's relatives. Or Mike. Or my son.
I will NOT make a stink when Mick and I are seated at the back of the church and I have to look at my ex's balding hippy head sitting smugly in the groom's family pew with his goddamn asshole sister and his creepy mother next to him.
I will object politely, but firmly if Wolf is told to sit somewhere other than with me and Mick.
I will NOT let the pain of all of this leak out in any way in front of any of them. I'm better and stronger than that.

Hey, I've got 9 weeks to practice my robot smile. I'm sure it will be perfect by then.

So. After the initial maelstrom from the invitation blew through and I was reasonably calm again, it rolled up on Wolf's bedtime. He came into my office and let me hoist him into my lap as always. Then he says, "Mom, don't sing the Go To Sleep song anymore."

Oh.

All those carefully balanced pieces of my heart broke apart again.

Wolf went on to explain he was too old for the Go To Sleep song. He didn't mean to upset me, but the Go To Sleep song days were over. People change, he said carefully. They grow up and things they used to like don't seem good anymore.

I nodded and assured him I understood. He shouldn't feel bad over my tears. It was just a Mom thing. Moms want it both ways. We want our children to grow up and be happy and strong and do cool stuff like go to college and drive cars and get married. We do. But we also get a little sad when we don't have our babies anymore. I made a joke and said if it were up to me I'd still be singing the Go To Sleep song when he was an old man with a beard to his knees. Wolf laughed. I nodded again and told him everything was fine. I even managed to smile. Here's a kiss. Good night, kiddo.

I didn't know the last time I sang the Go To Sleep song was the last time. I guess it had to be that way because if I knew it at the time I wouldn't have been able to sing at all.

Smiling at these heart stomping sons of mine, ~LA

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