|
My Profile
She blinded him with whiteness - 2008-07-25
|
7:11 a.m. - 2008-01-12
I sometimes worry that Mick will resent me for 'changing'. He hooked up with a woman who took care of fucking everything. The kids. The cars. The leaky roof. The laundry. The cooking. The flooded cellar. The banking. The bill paying. The knowing. I knew it all. How late Home Depot was open. The sunrise/sunset time that day. Whether Wolf had his meds. The mail lady's name. The zip codes of every town within 40 miles. Who G. Gordon Liddy was. The current exchange rate of the dollar to the yen. How to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Where the light bulbs were and what wattage went in which fixture…heh, you get the idea. I knew it all, did it all, and never looked to him to do anything except the heavy lifting and that only because he absolutely insisted. Little rat teeth gnaw at my brain. When will the resentment start? When will he start crabbing he got a raw deal? He'd signed up with Rosie the Genius Gourmet Chef Riveter and here I turned out to be…well…human. WTF? Why was he having to do shit around here? When did I pull this switcheroo fast one on him? And had I planned on this all along? I tell those rat teeth to go gnaw on somebody else's brain. I remember I HAD to do it all before because my personal safety depended on it. Because Mike would NOT assume responsibility for one iota of his own life, let alone our shared one, and took great joy in the foisting of everything onto me and then belittling, mocking and squandering it all, leaving me dangling for years and years and years hoping against hope that someday I'd get to put a couple metric tons of this shit down. Mick is not Mike. Though I could never, ever, ever bring myself to be that unfair I could pull a Mike on Mick and dump everything on him and you know what? He'd do it. And he still wouldn't give me any crap. So fretting that somehow my guy will resent me and feel sorry for himself because he's not tended to like a Saudi prince every stinking moment of his life is goofy. It's paranoid and stupid. It's going to be a long, long time before that fear lets go though. Sometimes I think it never will. ~~~ I got that far yesterday and then life intruded and I never got back to finish it. Though I did have Mick read it last night. Sometimes I write stuff down when it's too complex or I might cry in the telling of it and let him read my thoughts instead. Such was the case with this. I prefaced his read with a "I'm not sure I want you to see how insecure I am" warning. After he read it he cocked his head and said, "Baby, that's not insecure, that's just honest. I know better than anyone how scared you get. Being scared isn't weak, not after the stuff you've gone though. It's my job to love you so much that you know what it's like to always feel safe. I promise, my precious, you don't have to be scared anymore. I'm never going to leave and I know how wonderful you are. No man on Earth is luckier than I am." I'm sorry, whose life is this? Oh wait, it's mine!
|
