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My Profile
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone... - 2009-11-05
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7:16 p.m. - 2006-11-02
I found out at the dentist today that the ugly arcs of 'plaque' along the gum line above my eye teeth are not plaque at all. The calcium had leeched out of the visible part of the teeth a little bit (hello middle age) then my gums receded a tiny bit (more goodies from being a crone) exposing thicker, less leeched enamel thus making it look like I have cruddy dental hygiene. Fabulous. I was appalled enough to think I'd neglected my teeth so badly that I had visible plaque deposits, but this is way worse. Because there's no getting rid of this. And people do notice. My ex-SIL had commented on one guy at her office about this very thing. SIL couldn't understand why a smart, snappily dressed guy like him would let his teeth go all to hell like that. I'll bet he has the same deal with the newly exposed thicker enamel as I do and here my ex-SIL thinks he's a poor brusher. Makes me wonder how many people have thought, "Yo, babes! How about trading in some of that hair gel for a little toothpaste" about me? I feel like wearing a sign around my neck announcing to all and sundry that I am indeed a very good toothbrusher and the 'gunk' on my eye teeth isn't gunk at all. Be a hell of a conversation starter, eh? On the obverse, it happened again at lunch. I always feel awkward when it happens, but I've learned to play it cool. I also feel weird about talking about it, however it is a part of my personal reality and it's not like I do it on purpose. "You gonna tell us already or do we have to guess?" Okay, so the dentist is in the same town as Wolf's school. Rather than go all the way home after my check-up and then coming back, I hung out in Invisiburg until it was time to go to the weekly meeting with Wolf and Maggie. Went to the dollar store and stocked up on mittens. Checked out Payless, was underwhelmed and walked out empty-handed. (Imagine that!) Feeling pretty good about my prospects for being able to eat, I opted for the old-fashioned luncheonette downtown rather than a fast food palace over by the highway. Hoping the lunch special was pot roast I went inside. And the whole place went dead silent. Everybody. The table patrons, the counter coots, the 112 year old waitress, they all stopped talking, turned as one, and stared at me. If this didn't happen with amusing regularity in pretty much every venue smaller than a box store I'd have been tempted to think it was just the typical small-town reaction to The Stranger. But it does. The stares, the unhinged jaws, the silence. It happens all the time. See? Some of you are going, "Yeah, LA, sucks to be you. How awful that your arrival on the scene strikes the place dumb. Poor baby." I dig it. But like I said, it's not my fault. Unless you want to charge me with excessively spiffy grooming or something, the plain fact is you cannot be this big and not cause a commotion. Or in my usual case- causing an unwitting game of statues. The spell's usually broken if I just keep moving, but today all the heads swiveled like periscopes as I made my way to an empty stool at the counter. Stopping to take off my jacket (in the spooky silence) I saw they were still staring. I had the unholy temptation to flip them the Tricky Dick double peace sign and go, "Waaaassssup????" Okay, it's not only because I'm so fucking huge. It wasn't like this when I was fat. On the other hand when I was fat I was striving for invisibility. I scuttled and flinched all the time. Betcha back then if I walked like I do now and stood up straight as I do now, I'd have gotten the same gawking. I wouldn't have been able to handle it though. Too wrecked and wretched on the inside and too ashamed of my outside not to believe that all attention was inherently critical and negative. How the world is colored by the lenses we peer through from the inside! Nowadays I'm like, "Why, yes, I am 9 and a half feet tall. And yes, they're real. And yes again, I really do want my hair to look like this. So, are we all good here? Can I get my lunch now?"
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