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9:58 a.m. - 2006-10-22
Above and Below

I do hope none of my long-term friends are offended. They've been telling me they love me and think I'm great for a long, long time now and I'd hate it if they thought their love and friendship didn't 'count'. But in some ways Mike isn't the only slow learner around here and it took that tsunami to bring it home to me how loved I am.

What completely flat-footed me was how the things you guys said you love me for are the very things my (*cough*) loved ones always rejected and scorned. My passion. My willingness to step up and say something is wrong. My contradictions. My squishy heart. Hell, even my pointy hair. Because no matter how objectively I tried to look at the situation, no matter that I could see and abhor the utter stupidity and cruelty of my birth and marriage families, the plain fact is they rejected me. Told me I wasn't any damn good. They heaped scorn on my head for the very things that make me me. So yeah, I could be appalled and scornful right back, but it still hurt. It still made me feel small and alone and unworthy. Worse, if I couldn't even find acceptance amongst the shitheads and scum, what possible hope could I have of being loved by worthy people?

It never occurred to me to think my fire and light made their slimy dim subterranean selves feel even slimier and dimmer. That's why they bit and scratched and tried to make me the bad guy all the time. Just by being myself I flipped the rocks they live under and exposed their nastiness to the sun.

Yeah, that's a sure path to popularity, eh?

Except that here above-ground being exactly who I am is a good thing. All these years there wasn't a damn thing wrong with me, I just needed a new crowd. The light dwellers are my tribe and I am proud and happy to live amongst you. So thank you. Thank you for the warm welcome. Especial thanks go out to those wonderful souls who could see me when I was still lost in the shadows and bravely stepped into my darkness to hold my hands and urge me to come out and dance.


Let's boogie, ~LA

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