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My Profile
Retro-retrospection - 2008-10-06
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11:52 p.m. - 2005-08-19
I suppose my semi-annual moans about how hard it is to parent Wolf do more good than me just letting off some steam, they seem to inspire "I love my kid sooooo much!" entries in others. It's cool, I'm okay with looking like the poster girl for Bad Mothers Everywhere. What can I say? Even Jesus had His moments of frustration. (Wasn't always keen on being The Messiah either.) I adore my kid. He just drives me up the wall. I suppose if Christ can get pissy about the burden of being the Good Shepherd, I'm allowed to be a craven crankass over my difficult kid once in a while. . I no longer have breasts, I have udders. Fricken things are HUGE. Tender as all get out too. Hurts to strap them in. Hurts to leave them loose. Next life I am so trading these puppies in for a trouser snake. I'll take morning wood over Tits of Terror any day. I have wondered what it would be like to be a guy. I am so very, very female it's difficult for me to try on guyhood mentally. When I mean female I'm not just talking about my anatomy or love of earrings. I am of my gender as I am of my native soil. I cannot be anything except a NYer and I cannot be anything except female. Transsexuals and other gender bending folk are fascinating to me. I cannot imagine how impossibly hard it must be to wear a body that doesn't fit your soul. My femininity fits me like well loved jeans. As a girl I am all about the curves. My mind works circularly. Conversations lazily spool out in spirals. Even the things I fill my life with are complex and interwoven. My silly curlicue bed. Persian rugs of dense designs and interlocking motifs. My couch has soft padded arms and bun feet. Long before fung shui made the scene my home had flow. This is not to say chicks can't be hard. God knows I've had that one flung at me more times than I can count. "LA! You are such a hard ass!" If 'hard' means being straightforward and cutting through the bullshit, then I'll cop to 'hard'. But I am a hard woman. I don't need to feign butch to kick ass. I'll rip you a new one and not even break a nail. As a lifelong feminist, one who suffered through bra burning, shag haircuts, naked face, and grey power suits, there were times I longed to throw off my 'excessive' girliness. But being here for the first female jockey, elected governor, airline pilot, head chef, Supreme Court Justice, astronaut, orchestra conductor, West Point grad and non-inherited CEO position, not to mention Erica Jong, Gloria Steinem, integrated Little League and the WNBA- none of whom had to grow a mustache to get where she was, I eventually learned to accept who I am. Moreover, I'm proud of being a woman. However, I am thoroughly sick of these monthly torture fests. I yearn for menopause like I used to pine for a Porsche. Bloated beyond belief, ~LA
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