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Fairytales for a Practical Princess - 2008-11-30
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8:28 a.m. - 2005-08-19
Last week, the week before that? (time is a little blurry these days), I took Wolf to see March of the Penguins. I have scarred my child for life. About 15 minutes into the movie Wolf crawled up into my lap and stayed there for the rest of the film. All I could do was rock him and murmur, "Seals need to eat, sweetie." It's difficult to remember Wolf has such a tender heart. I'm not accusing my son of being unfeeling, it's just that Wolf seems so disconnected from the larger reality. Wolf lives in Wolf's World. A place of limited horizons and minimal interaction with other people. Questions about his state of being often go unanswered. Most questions about anything go unanswered. Offered information and explanations are received indifferently, what I bring to my child seems to bounce off. He parrots what's said to him in such a way it's obvious he's not listening for meaning. Usually it takes 5 or 6 tries to get something through. Now imagine variations on that conversation about everything from taking his morning vitamins to his bedtime tooth brushing. And every stinking thing in between. It's not like I come out of nowhere and pounce on him with unfathomable requests. I'm well aware of my son's constant inner dialog and I give him both plenty of warning and lead time. But no matter how patiently I raise his consciousness to the situation at hand, he continues to slot off on tangents and ignore what's going on at the present. I squat down, make eye contact, and limit myself to one bit of info at a time. I don't dump a whole laundry list of things for him to process instantly and then get cranky when he gets lost at item #34. I'm talking about moving from A to B. Normal everyday stuff like taking his backpack outside with him when he goes out to wait for the bus. "Wolf, got your backpack?" Do this 40 times a day. Every day. Never get a sane response. Never get a direct answer to a straightforward question. Never once be met with thanks or pleasure when something is given. Never get cooperation with requests, even for fun things. So yeah, it's difficult for me to remember that Wolf does have some awareness of the world around him and that somewhere in there is a heart and emotions. He participates so grudgingly on this plane of being. What he shares from inside Wolf's World is always so removed from the situation I'm surprised when he does seem to ken things and care about them. Most surprising of all is his need for me. His relief when I put him on my lap at the movie theater was palpable. The trust! Mom could make it better. I'm so used to being ignored. That what I want to give my son is of such little value to him. My offerings are met with blank stares, inane questions and a total lack of cognition. My efforts on his behalf to make sure he is well fed, clean, safe, and well prepared for life are exercises in spitting into the wind. It feels like I am constantly going face first into locked doors and brick walls. It tough to believe my presence makes any sort of difference to him. But seals need to eat. And Wolf needs his mom. Taking what I can get, ~LA
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