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Because I can't bear to eulogize Doug - 2008-08-19
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3:57 a.m. - 2005-08-02
Whee hah! Mercury dun went after my electronics. No Net for almost 3 days! That's like missing 5 months of newspapers or 4 years of TV. Time goes fast out here in cyberspace. If my review didn't warn you off, please take this advice and go see Sky High instead of those truly Bad News Bears. Superhero high school was fun! Heavy on the Converse™ product placement, but an otherwise cute pic. Jokes at all levels. Former Kids In The Hall. And Farva! Kevin Heffernan from Broken Lizard. How about that? Of all those zany Super Troopers Farva is the first one to break out into the big time. Now since it's been at least 10 days since I did any kind of meme and I'm not wanting to talk about my usual kids/garden/health/politics shtick I have stolen an idea from the guy who could lay claim to being Sage if I didn't already have the title, your pal and mine…Petrouchka. A- AppleJacks. A is for apple. J is for jacks. Cinnamon toasty AppleJacks! You need a good breakfast. That's a fact. So start it out with AppleJacks! B- Barnstorming. What the hell was Robert Redford thinking when he made Waldo Pepper? "Gee, a leather hat with earflaps will drive ALL the chicks wild!" C- CUNT. My least favorite segment of The Vagina Monologs. Something too "Oooo! Look at me! I'm being provocative!" about it. D- Ding Dong. Avon calling! Okay, so Avon went goofy. It was those cologne bottles shaped like old fashioned cars. Once figurines come into the picture, grand mal tacky is inevitable. Still, kudos to Avon for coming up with something as wicked cool as having make-up brought right to your house! And the teeny lipsticks! YAY! Teeny lipsticks! E- Elaye. This is a phonetic rendering of my name. I've christened my new 'Me' Sim with it. I finally got brave and made myself into a Sim. Mostly because University came with a hairdo I could use on my Sim self. I was startled when I realized that my Sim self is the ONLY fat one in my whole Sim universe. I'm not going to tone up though, wouldn't look like me anymore. For the record, my Sim self is currently a sophomore at La Fiesta Tech. I have made, but not put into play a 'Mike' Sim. I am debating whether I want to branch out socially or hook up with Sim Mike and see if our Sim kids would look like our real kids. Weirdly I can't bring myself to get romantic with any of my player characters. I feel decidedly maternal toward them. So right now my Sim self is knocking boots with a couple of random hotties from the dorm. F- Fringe. Isn't it about time for fringe to come back in style? I feel the need to get my Suburban Cowgirl on. G- Gossip. I wish I weren't so stiff-necked about indulging in celebrity gossip. I always feel bad when I click through on some gossip link. I don't like the way the cult of celebrity has usurped the place of nearly everything these days. Fricken updates about Donald Trump's latest bowel movement usually leads our local news. Ugh. So when I click through I feel like I'm encouraging the dumbing down of society. Sometimes though I'd just like to be able to enjoy my dish without guilt sauce. H- Hoop skirts. Actually, it's big clothes in general and the Cloakmen in particular. Mike said something about the Cloakmen the other day. I'd never heard of them. Seems there used to be these guys who wore huge cloaks and carried a bucket around with them. Why? The Cloakmen were human port-a-potties. Seriously. They walked the streets with their bucket and people would pay to crap his bucket while he shielded them from view with his big cloak. And you thought you had a shitty job? I- Icicles. I cleaned out the fridge today and transferred some of the stuff down into the freezer. I am spoiled by frost-free refrigerators. The downstairs freezer is a manual thaw model and the build-up is thick. There's a new Ice Age dawning in my cellar. J- Jackalopes. There are few things I enjoy more than sick-o taxidermy. K- Killian's Red and other dumb beers. I grew up in a German speaking (sort of) household. Beer is yellow, served warm and the hop fumes will get you stupid before the first sip crosses your lips. I never got into the cult of beer. Especially not the cult of the container. Miller Nips were all the rage when I was in high school. Everybody just loved those little bottles. I thought they were stupid. I bought beer in the quart bottles. I had like 90 times the available chug and ounce for ounce buying by the quart was about 6 times cheaper. Duh. L- Levitation. When I was a little kid the grown-ups in my life would get plowed on martinis and go out and levitate cars. I swear! 6, 8 drunks all cozied up to my mom's Beetle waving their arms over the roof to build up 'the charge'. Then they'd bend over, slide the index and middle fingers on both hands under the car and they'd lift. For the life of me I cannot remember if this really worked. Has anyone out there tried it? M- Mariachi bands. There's a swank Mexican place over in Malltown. On the weekends they have a strolling mariachi string trio. They make me laugh every time. See, the biggest of the three plays the dinky vihuela and a really short stocky guy plays the humongus guitaro. I think they do it just to be perverse. Wouldn't it would be fun though if the instrument size correlated with the player? That way if you lined them up just right from largest to smallest it would look like the diminishing images you see in face to face mirrors. Same guy just farther away. N- Nanites. Good old wunderkind Wesley Crusher and his sentient nanites. O- Oh Me So Horny is one of the funniest songs out there. But even better is the parody Oy It's So Humid! by Two Live Jews P- Popeye How is it that I can love raw spinach, but any kind of cooked spinach makes me gag? Maybe this is the obverse of raw vs cooked meat. I don't even like sushi, hamburger tartare? No way. Q- Quirk, Quackenbush, Quinn, Quigley, Quernos. The five 'Q' people in my homeroom. Are Q names really that common? Doesn't it strike you as a bit off to be so top-heavy with Qs? But when your local population is mostly 2nd generation Americans the homecountry monikers hadn't had time to be watered down and homogenized yet. Half the school was Irish. Though this may be more due to their Catholicism than their erin go bragh. Last names are funny anyhow, even without Celtic Qs. There was this chick I knew from a previous school, her last name had 14 letters and the only vowel was the 'i' on the end. Loved watching substitutes wrestle with that one. R- Radioactive Bug Movies Along with fringe, it's about time radioactive bug movies come back into vogue. Man, when they ran Radioactive Bug Week on The 4:30 Movie I was the happiest kid in town. I loves me some giant mayhem causing glow bugs. S- Steamboat Willie. The first Mickey Mouse cartoon. You ever see the original version? Holy crow. This thing is raunchy! Mean too. Cat flinging is the least of it. To think that little hellion eventually morphed into the stuttering apologetic Mickey Mouse of today. What next? Anger management seminars for Donald Duck? T- Tabasco peppers. There's a goodly bunch of them on the plant, but nowhere near ripe yet. However, the chilies are a beautiful bright red. U- Under The Boardwalk. On a blanket with my baby, that's where I'll be. Okay, under the boardwalk is where all the crack heads hang out. But next weekend me and my boys are heading for the shore. Talked Mike into making it an overnighter. I'll be able to do one of my favorite things, walk the beach at dawn. In the very early morning it's foggy, no matter how bright the day gets later. Walking the beach in the dim mist, the sand still as the night tide left it, as yet unmarked by the grooming rakes. I nod to the surf casters and pretend to be more startled than I am when a jogger suddenly pops out of the fog. Those joggers breathe really loudly. After a while I'm damp to the skin and chilly. I go looking for some warmth. Sometimes it's a coffee from one of the boardwalk stands, open early for the surfers and the lifeguards. Other times I turn inland and head for Mecca. Mr Breakfast- Home of the 99 cent breakfast. When I eat alone I end up tipping the waitress more than what my meal costs. One should always generously tip breakfast waitresses. Breakfast is the same work as dinner, more even, all those coffee refills. Yet because breakfast fare is usually cheaper than dinner fare, tips based on a percentage of the bill total tend to be very scanty. So be nice to the girl who schleps your toast. Breakfast is a tough shift. V- Valentines Every few years I make Mike a valentine. A fancy one made with scrap lace from well worn lingerie. One last hoo-rah for the Little Scanties That Could. W- Wallabies The other day I was talking to Wolf about wallabies. He'd just found out about them. He was stoked and wanted to see some right away. The giraffes last week were one thing, but I hadn't a clue where to find a wallaby. Hi ho, turns out the Bronx Zoo has wallabies. Have to wait until fall for a trip to the zoo. In this heat I'm not going anywhere outdoors where I can't get to water in a moment's notice. X- Xavier. Now that I think on it, one of the Sims the pixel me is making the beast with is named Xavier. Y- Yellow. As in Mellow Yellow. Is this really about smoking banana skins? Good song, anyhow. Another good yellow thing is Screaming Yellow Zonkers. The ultimate stoner snack food. Way better than Cracker Jacks. The lack of prizes isn't a big loss now that Cracker Jack toys have gotten so lame. Remember when there were fortunes printed on the toy surprise wrappers and not choking hazard warnings? Z-Zed "Who's Zed?" "Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead." Me too. Stayed up all night to do this thing. ~LA
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