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My Profile
Retro-retrospection - 2008-10-06
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12:10 a.m. - 2005-06-20
I don't really want to elaborate, but will say the shoes will be fine. Totally fixable and might make them a bit more comfy to boot. What I am thinking about is balance. I deal with my balance a whole lot. Tightrope walkers don't spend as much time working on balance as I do. It's not just keeping steady on my pins, I'm forever striving to find balance in everything. Seriously, I'm always trying to balance my eating. Never can seem to automatically make the correct choice. Every bite that goes in has been run down the list of checks and balances. Including the quick walk-thru down Neurosis Avenue, checking to see if I am being too hung-up and should stop obsessing and eat the damn bagel already. Shit. I'm forever trying to balance how much time I owe to my kids and how much I can 'non-selfishly' take for myself. There's no set guideline on how much interaction for how much time will insure a sane mother and a child who is self-sufficient, but not abandoned. I've gotten past the point of secretly thinking ANY time not explicitly devoted to doing something with my kid meant I was A TERRIBLE MOTHER. Some of that was inspired by my Do Not Be Like Her thing, but a large part of it was guilt. I felt guilty because it's such a relief to be off-duty from Wolf. What kind of lame person dances a jig when shutting the door on her child? A human one. But because I spent so many years out of the loop of normal human behavior, I still flounder. I have no instincts to trust. I'm doing the balancing act with Mike too. Like today. He aced me out of making him breakfast. Got up at dawn and made his own. Then he worked like a mule all day. This is the last weekend day before Wolf's party next Saturday. It was crunch time for him. He was hot and heavy with the yard chores, then he got all martyrish and started dragging around like Melanie trying to hoe the corn patch. All gallant sacrifice. Ticked me off. I'm going to spend the rest of the week doing everything for the party. A lot of what he was trying to get done he's had weeks to do. Don't give me the Face because I'm reading the comics and having my tea. I also know he's exhausted. Everybody has the right to be a bit of a martyr when weary to the bone. So which is it? Do I let him know I don't need his 'tude, my time is coming? Or do I turn a blind eye to Camille and cut him some slack? Sounds straightforward enough. Be nice or be a bitch. Not that simple. He got away with a lot of his bullying because I let him. I just couldn't deal with the endless bullshit that went on whenever I stuck up for myself. Last few months he's been trying to clean up his act. And it's been a lot better. Yet I still feel obligated to herd him in with a few nips at his butt whenever he strays near the old pattern. "Nuh uh, buddy. We are so not going there again. Straighten your stuff out. The doormat days are over." Before I give him the rough side of my tongue or whether I bring him a cold drink and a sandwich I have to think about it. Have to decide whether being 'nice' makes me feel degraded. Too much of my 'nice' was for too many years just caving in. Appeasing him. Sucking up, basically. Cajoling him into not being an utter shit so I could have a little feeling of safety and not spend my whole day thrumming with panic adrenalin. Had, had, had to make it all better or some serious bad shit was coming my way. Stockholm syndrome for beaten kids. I'm a little tougher nowadays. Growing some self-worth will do that for a person. But not enough time has passed yet. I have no bank of experience to draw from. I know I'll get there eventually. I'll learn to trust myself. Right now, though…ugh. Whether by nature or by nurture (ha!), I'm someone who's always teetering. Weighting left hand against right, making certain I'm not going to fall before taking that first step out onto the wire. The only time I am impulsive is when I'm angry. Yeah, that's been successful. When my temper gets off the leash I'm a rogue elephant. Trumpeting madly and trampling everything to bits. I have a sneaky that I might not lose my cool so badly if I learn to be freer with my non-angry self. I'm working on that. It's a bit tricky trying to force impish levity and spontaneous joy riding. Comes back to trusting myself again. And trusting those around me to do their part. Such new territory. I don't do change well anyhow, being out here in the open space of my new personhood takes concentration and patience. I worked so hard to get up here. Too damn hard to go scuttling back down. Doesn't mean it's not scary, and I think I'm within my rights to fear the fall. Flying without a net, ~LA
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