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My Profile
Retro-retrospection - 2008-10-06
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12:33 a.m. - 2005-06-19
A lot went on today. I'm going to start with the movie review before I lose the details in all the other stuff. Batman Begins was not bad. Not great, mind you, but not terrible. My biggest beefs aren't with the movie per se, but with the new school of action flick directors as a whole. The quick chop montage has been done to death, boys. Time to find a new gimmick. Also I think these guys must have been watching a hell of a lot of recent porn. Why? The camera is too goddamn close to the action. Like that gynecological spelunking so popular with porn, the extreme close-ups during the action sequences really detract from the experience. I can't even see what's going on! Back it up a few feet. I get motion sick with everything all up in my face like that. It's confusing and unnecessary. Now about Batman itself. They must have saved a fortune on writers' salaries, the flick only had half a script. Every line from the first half of the movie was simply repeated in the second half. The ironic echo syndrome. I don't know about anyone else, but I think it's time to retire the whole super hero brooding on the rooftop thing. Must Batman always stand around on a parapet like a gargoyle? And must he do it FOUR times in one movie? How about just once a super hero goes into a coffee shop and watches the multitudes go by the window while he sips a latte? Or maybe he can speculate on his lonely 'guardian of the innocent' status while lying in a sunny meadow? But nooo, Mr Isolated Hero has to hang around on a roof edge like a fricken pigeon in a cape. I'm thinking it's probably a mercy that Tom Cruise is too gay to actually impregnate these pretty poppets he marries. Katie Holmes has the tiniest nipples I've ever seen on a grown woman. No way could she nurse a baby with those. I've seen cats with bigger teats. Why do I know about Katie Holmes' miniscule nipples? Well because they are display in every scene she's in. Going back to the porn tie-in, I'm guessing they had a nipple fluffer on set. Either that or she was wearing a refrigerated Wonder bra. I don't want to put in too many spoilers, but I have tell you about the bizarre mental cross-over I had during one scene where stately Wayne Manor is on fire. I'm afraid I broke into inappropriate giggles because in my head I heard Joan Fontaine. "Last night, I dreamt I went to Manderley again." Only a weirdo like me could channel Daphne du Maurier into a Batman movie. The upshot of all this snark, the movie is what it is, a live action comic book aimed at 17 year old boys who probably think Katie Holmes' pea sized nipples and an acid tripping guy with a jute sack on his head are the height of cinematic enchantment. LA the Critic gives Batman Begins 2.5 stars out of 4. I have a bunch more stuff to talk about, but I'm getting really sleepy. I'll just leave a couple markers for myself so I won't forget. Wolf's playdate. The new garden wall. The early suicide of the really cute shoes. The excellent self-tanner. The stinky kitchen. And my hissy fit at the tile store. That about covers it. Yawn! Good night, ~LA
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