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My Profile
Retro-retrospection - 2008-10-06
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9:15 a.m. - 2005-06-07
Though I was tempted, I'm not going to retreat. This is my diary. My forum for talking about what's going on with me. Taking hits for being a coward, a big baby, and a quitter are just the risks one runs when one discusses things in a public place. I am confused and in a great deal of emotional pain right now. Issues I thought were long settled are coming back to bite my ass. I am discovering some things have a much larger and deeper connection between them than I ever imagined. If in the process of trying to heal myself I come across as petty and stupid and selfish, well then so be it. The overwhelming majority of comments and the folk who leave them are kind and supportive. This more than makes up for the occasional cheap shot or misconstrued remark. I'm too raw these days to trust my own reactions to stuff anyhow. Even well-meant pats on the shoulder feel like punches. But running away isn't how I do things. I learned a long time ago that running away just means something has time to get bigger and uglier while it waits for me to come back. So I'm not locking up. I'm not taking down my comments. I'm not closing my g-book. I am not shutting up or backing down or pretending to be stronger, nicer, or happier than I am either. If I want to howl, I will. If I need to cry, I will. If I'm sad, mad, disappointed, blistered, broken and bleeding then I'm going to ooze, puke and shout as necessary. I've come a long way since starting this thing 4 years ago. Who I am hasn't changed, but what I know about myself has increased exponentially. The process of coming to know myself better has been painful, but worth it. A lot of people bitch about D-land. It's not secure. It falls down sometimes. Andrew is slow to respond, if he does at all. But I'm insecure, I fall down, and I'm slow to respond too, so D-land works for me. Even at Super Gold prices 16 cents a day is pretty goddamn cheap. And in the case of D-land, what I've gotten for my money has been the best investment I've ever made. I'm staying right here and will continue to unfold in my messy, cowardly, self-pitying way. You wanna watch, fine by me. But don't expect me to put on some happy good girl face and pretend to be Ms Wonderful Example. This is MY space. These are MY thoughts and feelings. I'm not going to window dress myself so the view is prettier. ~LA
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