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Because I can't bear to eulogize Doug - 2008-08-19
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9:09 p.m. - 2005-06-06
I'm sad about the loss of innocence. Not just of childhood innocence, I was an innocent adult. For a really long time. Well into my 30's. Part of it was a conscious choice, I felt those crossroads in my mind/soul and deliberately chose the less cynical path. The rest was the true innocence of being unknowing of bad things. Pettiness. Power brokering. Self-aggrandizing at others' expense. I truly didn't see it. I never knew how small some people were. And when I did stumble onto the truth of a situation I was mostly astonished and somewhat grossed out. My reaction was like, "WHAT???? Are you kidding me? But that's disgusting!" While I am still grossed out, I am no longer surprised. This bothers me. A lot. It's that loss, the ripping away of the blinders that I mourn. I hate the knowledge this new view brings me. I hate it. Seeing disgusting stuff for what it is has eroded my own spirit until I've become as nasty and small-minded as the people I used to pity. There's a silly retread of It's A Wonderful Life called The Family Man starring Nicholas Cage. In it there's a scene which rather neatly summed up what I used to feel for the small people. Don Cheadle plays the Clarence Oddbody role in Family Man. In a scene where he reveals himself to Nicholas Cage Don Cheadle poses as a convenience store clerk. He rings up a young woman and deliberately gives her too much change. The woman pauses for a second then pockets the money without a word. After she leaves Don Cheadle turns to Nicholas Cage and says, "Can you believe that? She sold her soul for a lousy $9.00." Don's character is sad, yes. But amazed and pretty disgusted too. I used to feel that way. Nowadays I see everything in a jaundiced light. I do not believe for one second that those Jesus shouting sons of whores are out there trying to turn America into a Christian theocracy because they sincerely believe they are doing God's will and glorifying Christ. They are doing it because they are power-mad egomaniacs who are creaming their jeans with self-congratulatory lust. They are jazzed on getting their way. Their mad scramble for the 'moral' upper hand has nothing to do with spreading the gospel and everything to do with their own selfish desire to 'win'. They sicken me. They piss me off. But they do not surprise me. 'Pharmacists of Conscience'? Oh, please. Another bunch of self-serving bullies who groove on power tripping. Refusing to fill prescriptions for birth control pills gives them a woody. "See that, you slut? Look what I can do to you!" If someone was soooo concerned about the 'sinfulness' of birth control why the hell did he become a pharmacist? Why not become a priest? These arrogant jerks behind the tall white counters aren't true believers in anything but their own little egos. Weapons of mass destruction, anybody? Who the heck did Bush think he was fooling? I saw right through that bullshit from the get-go. The current Congress claiming Democrats are 'obstructionists'?? Where do they get off? How many of Clinton's judicial nominees did they shut down? 68 Yet there was a huge dick waving harrumphing bluster over 7 nominees who are such extreme Conservatives they make 3 right turns because they are incapable of making a left? God, it never ends. I feel assaulted by lies and cowardice. It's not just the political scene. Everyday life is full of this disgusting self-involvement and careless 'Me First' mentality. The 3 drivers in this house might be the last people in the Hudson Valley who use their turn signals. People have become so fucking selfish they can't even bother to flip a lever. The effort of one finger and a nano-second of their time. Incessant yammering on cell phones. Letting doors slam in people's faces. Driving the wrong way down a canted parking aisle to steal a good spot out from someone who'd been patiently waiting in the proper direction. Ramming ankles with shopping carts. Chattering during movies and indignant profanity if asked to be quiet. Me. Me. Me. MY way. Fuck you! What else was a innocent to do but wise up? No one could keep their belief in goodness in this welter of filth and inhumanity. Who could be happy knowing the ugly truth of a world dominated by greed and callousness? Not me. So, okay. I still use my turn signal. Doesn't mean I believe I'm making the world a better place. There IS no better place. Not anymore. Maybe there never was. Maybe I was just too stupid and cloudy from those rose colored glasses of mine to see reality. Well I see it now and I am damn angry about it. Clear eyed and hating it. ~LA
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