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My Profile
Fairytales for a Practical Princess - 2008-11-30
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12:03 a.m. - 2005-05-27
Alex and I had a discussion today about relationship ethics and obligations. I'm pleased my kid still looks to me for advice. I don't think I'm short circuiting the learning process by helping him decipher female behavior a little. I think the more you know about the mechanics of relationships, the better you'll be at them. I didn't see Hitch but I did see the trailer a couple dozen times. The scene with the dude with the Coke dripping off his face made me laugh out loud. Completely bewildered why a simple question like, "Is it diet?" would generate a such a violent response in his girlfriend, Hitch runs over and explains it to the guy. Asking if she bought a diet soda implies he thinks she should be drinking diet because he thinks she's a tub. Well, no duh. But to most guys this kind of sub-textural thinking takes years and years to understand. Some guys never get it. I want my kid to get it. Hopefully sometime before his 60th birthday. So I've been playing Hitch for my son and explaining the underlying meaning behind some of Nikki's more perplexing behaviors. Alex is fascinated. Explaining why "Never mind" means he had best pay attention and chase her down to work things out was only part of our discussion. The bigger and more important part was explaining to him why he must be active and not just reactive. It's not enough just to respond, he has a responsibility to participate. To give something without waiting to be asked for it. To offer his own take and to bring his own stuff to the table before she has to come to him and beg. Too often guys take the cop-out route. "You never told me that you hate it when I clip my toenails in bed!" Sorry, guys. That crap doesn't fly all the time. Sometimes it's necessary to go beyond being obedient to direct orders. A sane grown-up person occasionally takes stock and sees where there might be room for improvement. Just because you are still wearing the same basic outfit you've been wearing since the 7th grade does NOT mean you are allowed to behave like a 13 year old for the rest of your life. Your woman is not your mother, she shouldn't have to tell you to keep your elbows off the table and that wiping your potato chip greasy hands on the couch is a no-no. It's not just a matter of knowing her preferences and dislikes, and following rules either. Paying attention to what's going on in your woman's life is vital. It would behoove you to know when your woman has a big deal job review, a scheduled pap smear, 17 loads of laundry, an empty refrigerator, and it's the anniversary of her beloved dog Foo-Foo's death. Dorking out in the garage or surfing for porn or direct linking ESPN straight into your cerebral cortex and then acting all surprised when she stands in the middle of the kitchen shrieking or is huddled in the bathroom crying is the worst sort of relationship negligence. The bewildered claim, "She never said anything to me!" is selfish and unloving. She said something, you just didn't pay attention. Nor did you bother to ask. Nor did you simply look around and see for yourself that the hummocks of clothes on the bedroom floor might need to be laundered or that it was possible for you to go to the grocery and buy a few bags of necessaries without being prompted and sent with a list. Can't cop-out and assume that just because she's not in your face it means everything is fine. Being oblivious to the totality of a shared life and waiting for her to do all the thinking is maddening. It's this kind of dumb guy behavior that makes your woman want to stab you in your sleep. I also talked with Alex about what he's entitled to in a relationship. What he should be able to count on. What he's within his rights to expect. All give and no get isn't healthy. Nor is the joined at the hip thing. A good relationship allows for individual pursuits and sometimes singular friendships. Too much insular togetherness is smothering. The best relationships offer the support and encouragement which allows each to grow into more of a person than they'd be on their own. At the beginning it's fun to be 'just we two' and have your own private snuggly world, but once that initial honeymoon phase is over it's time to look up and see what other cool stuff is out there. A partner who demands absolute fealty to the fiefdom of two is being a selfish control freak, not a loving helpmeet and friend. Doesn't seem all that long ago I was teaching my son how to cross a two-way street. Now I'm teaching him how to travel on it. Metaphorically yours, ~LA
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