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My Profile
Fairytales for a Practical Princess - 2008-11-30
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6:48 p.m. - 2005-05-14
This is embarrassing. I want a Yorkshire terrier. A rat with long hair. A shuddersome perversion of what dogs should be. Yeah, yeah. Terriers have a noble past. I understand that at one time terriers were invaluable as vermin control. To catch rats a dog should be able to go where the rats are, thus the smaller the dog the better. However I don't have a problem with vermin. I want an itsy-bitsy dog to carry around. I want wee smoochie-poochie to fuss over. I want to brush its coat until it gleams and buy silly frou-frou hair bows for its topknot. I am absurd, even to myself. Alex called earlier. Exams are over. He's cleared out his dorm room and made the trek over to Nikki's. They and some friends want to see the new Star Wars together so he's staying upstate until next weekend. I'm relieved. I have zero interest in the final leg of Star Wars. To be honest, I was kind of over it by the time the Ewoks showed up. Despite my strange desire for a Yorkie, my tolerance for cute cuddly things is almost nil. You will never find me at Build-A-Bear. Though if you look at Build-A-Bear in a certain light there is a macabre undertone to the whole thing. Basically you go in and buy a teddy bear husk. A mere shell of a cuddly-wuddly. Bins and bins of teddy bear skins all lined up like the sorting room of a muppet knackery. You pick a skin and off you go to jam eyes into it. Then it's time to stuff your skin. Into the stuffing machine it goes. Now the empty skin you started with is all plumped out and has shiny glass eyes. You know what Build-A-Bear is? It's taxidermy geared for children. That's kind of sick. I registered for JournalCon today. This works for me in lots of ways. It gives me something definite to look forward to. It'll help me stay on my diet. I mean I'd still go if I weighed 600lbs, but my options for cute shoes are greater when I'm at my goal weight. My feet actually shrink. Not surprising if one has a grasp of basic physics. Mass x force and all that rot. And as I found out, JournalCon is all about the cute shoes. Registering for JournalCon works because I am cheap. Not only do I get the best rate, I can't default on going. I know if something truly horrendous came up I'd get a refund. But to appease my inner tightwad I'm sticking with the mindset that since I've paid already I have to go. Most ridiculous of all, registering for JournalCon means I cannot off myself before Oct, I've made a commitment to be somewhere. As stupid as that sounds it really will help with the once-a-cycle suicide thoughts. Even though I know the black pall is menstrual nonsense there comes a point in every cycle where being dead is very attractive. Just out, you know? No more pain. No more anything. I wouldn't have to cope, deal, stifle, manage, be bigger than, or soldier on anymore. With JournalCon on the far horizon I can get past the current darkness and look toward a Wonderful Thing. I don't need such a goad most of the time, but it will be handy when I turn into the Painless Pole every few weeks. According to Richard Hooker, Walt 'the Painless Pole' Waldowski was the best equipped dentist in the Far East Command. Makes me wonder about secondary sex characteristics. Would I have a big one if I had been a boy? I have huge boobs. Though perhaps potential penis size is correlative to clitoral size. In which case if I were a guy I'd be shit out of luck and have to buy a Porsche. You're just flabbergasted by my lack of personal limits, aren't you? While I'm at it, I'll tell you I'm trying a new brand of tampons. I've been using OB tampons since jr high. I bought into that whole 70's/Erica Jong hype that true feminists were not repulsed by their secretions and fluids. Applicators were for squeamish wimps who didn't believe in themselves or in Period Power. Not me. I am Woman. Watch me flow. But there I was at the Shoprite last night and the Kotex Security™ brand was on sale. A wee voice whispered, "You're a housewife who wears make-up and buys Vogue, would it be such a blow to your feminist ideals if you tried an applicator style tampon? Stop being such a jackass." I bought them. Would you believe that I'm feeling guilty about using them? I've betrayed my sisters and bought into the patriarchal put-down that menstruation was somehow 'unclean' and 'shameful'. I am a bad feminist for not properly celebrating my monthly affirmation of womanhood. I shit you not. . Once again proving there's nothing sacred in The Sage's little corner of the world, ~LA
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