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My Profile
Retro-retrospection - 2008-10-06
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7:38 p.m. - 2005-05-01
Stolen from Chai as usual. My uncle once: came close to severing my da’s finger trying to wrestle a spoon out of his hand during a card game. My da had the bowl end and my uncle had the handle. Neither would let go. Never in my life: would I permit my children to join the military or become cops. When I was five: my mother accidentally set herself on fire trying to get warm by standing against the gas stove. She’d turned the burners on and her nightgown went up like flash paper. Told you she was an idiot. High School was: a lot more fun than it seemed at the time. I will never forget: our first phone number. I can’t remember my current one, but boy howdy I can still recite the one we had when I was 3. I once met: a panhandler who spoke 4 languages. There’s this girl I know who: made earrings from her extracted wisdom teeth. Once, at a bar: I dumped a pitcher of beer over a guy’s head. I was waitressing there and he’d stuck his hands inside my halter dress while I had a tray of shots in one hand and the pitcher in the other. The bouncer subsequently dragged the guy outside and stomped him into parking lot pizza. The guy’s friends made no objection to the dousing or the beating. They apologized profusely and left me a $100 tip. By noon I’m usually: still here at my computer, still unwashed, still in my pajamas and desperately needing to pee. Last night: I played the Sims until 2:30am. If I only had: a hysterectomy. Next time I go to church, I: will burst into flames while a Voice from on high intones, “Unclean. Unclean.” Terry Schiavo: should have learned some better eating habits in her teen years. When I turn my head left, I see: 3 windows through which I can see many many flowers. You know I’m lying when: Hell freezes over. I don’t lie. I just get a little creative with the truth. Hey, I’m a Storyteller, it’s what we do. What I miss most about the eighties: huge plastic earrings. If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be: Falstaff. Big, loud, unknowingly comedic and often rejected by those I thought loved me. By this time next year: I might have the prettiest knockers on the planet. A better name for me would be: Sybil of the Hormones. I have a hard time understanding: why some people get all wound up about what other people do in bed and with whom. If I ever go back to school I’ll: have won the Lotto and will take any and every course that sounds interesting. You know I like you if: if I ask you to dance when there’s no music. If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: whoever nominated me. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens, and Geraldine Ferraro: are excellent pet names. Especially for goldfish. Take my advice, never: mix tequila and the words, “I have a great idea!” My ideal breakfast is: 2 eggs over hard, french fries, sausage patties with maple syrup, white toast with grape jelly and a pot of decaf. A song I love, but do not have is: Mighty Quinn by Manfred Mann If you visit my hometown, I suggest: you take me to lunch. Tulips, character flaws, microchips, and track stars: are nowhere near as interesting as gremlins, fire engines and masturbation. Why won’t anyone: invent a clean burning, self-renewing energy source? If you spend the night at my house, don’t: ever, ever, ever leave the toilet seat up. I’d stop my wedding for: a large herd of migrating wildebeest. The world could do without: Dick Cheney. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: shake hands with George Bush. My favorite blonde is: Owen Wilson Paper clips are more useful than: most Republicans. At least paper clips hold things together and bend when necessary. If I do anything well, it’s: apply liquid eyeliner. The last time I was drunk, I: filled out a meme. heh heh heh And, by the way: I’m getting a little ticked with you lurkers. If you like me well enough to come by, then you like me well enough to say hi. Many thanks to Chai and her excellent taste in memes. ~LA
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