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My Profile
Retro-retrospection - 2008-10-06
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9:19 a.m. - 2004-08-18
A friend who shall remain link-less was talking about some of the less stellar moments in her life. Not the big lulus, but those small ugly incidents which seem to never go away. The ones which bring a blush and a cringe thinking about them later on. Even years down the road. It’s not my intention to make light of her ‘crimes’, not my place to tell someone else what she can and should feel crappy about. But as one who’s ALWAYS putting her foot in it, that my friend has such total recall of the incidents says to me that there can’t be many such cringe-moments and she isn’t the criminal she thinks she is. Trust me, when you’re as big a screw-up as I am the rudeness piles up and becomes one long blur of awfulness. However, like all perpetual screw-ups I would like to say in my defense that some of it isn’t my fault. Mike talked me into stealing a movie the other night. We’d just seen Collateral and Manchurian Candidate was starting in 20 minutes. I am not usually a theater hopper. I truly believe taking in extra movies when I’ve only bought admission to one is stealing, but Mike assured me Loews would survive. We ducked into the empty auditorium and waited. We talked. While I’d been in line for tickets I got the ugly-eye from the woman in line ahead of me. I was just standing there minding my own business and the woman found something offensive about me anyhow. She curled her lip at me and moved forward a couple inches like she couldn’t bear to be near my stink. I wasn’t even wearing my usual perfumes. I wearily shook my head and acknowledged it had happened again. The instant hate. The automatic assumption that I was a bitch. I asked Mike if he was bothered by the instant character assessments people made about him. He looked surprised. No, it didn’t bother him, why? Why? I’ll tell you why. Because it happens to me ALL THE TIME and I HATE IT!!!!! I explained to Mike that in Guy World it was a good thing if people took one look and thought you were a hard case and a bad-ass. It’s a compliment. In Girl World it’s a different story. Being thought a bitch is NOT a compliment. No points for being a hard ass in Girl World. I explained how badly this constant character assassination upset me. That because of my outrageous size and my forthright way of speaking I am assumed to be something I’m not. What I am really is Ferdinand the bull. All I want to do is to relax and smell the flowers and all anyone else ever sees is a gigantic beast who is both dangerous and mean. If people only knew how little actual malice I have inside me. I reserve my anger and hate for those who are in a position to good and do evil instead. The Bush administration for instance. Them I hate freely and without remorse. But this projection, this assumption that I am cruel, haughty, evil, and an all around steel-toed bitch makes me want to curl up and die. I was so tall in the 2nd grade they had to bring in one of the big desks from the upper school. The next day there was a sign taped to my desk announcing to one and all that ‘The Monster Sat Here’. When I sold cars the guys on the sales team presented me with a foot long dildo. They told me I was a bigger man than they and I needed the right equipment. I’ve yet to have a conversation longer than 2 minutes where whoever I was talking to didn’t make mention of my size and/or how scary I was. There’s not a person on my buddy list who isn’t tougher than I am in some way. But who’s the bad-ass? I am. Sure I talk tough. After a lifetime of crap like that, wouldn’t you? And now I’m going to JournalCon. All weekend long I will have to smile nicely while people come up to me and tell me what a ranty beast I am. They will say things about how I am exactly how they pictured me and how’s the weather up there anyhow? They will flinch and mock tremble and say, “Don’t kill me, LA!” “Don’t sit on me, LA!” and “Watch out! LA is here!” There will be folks who won’t come near me at all. They will stay off to the side and gather with others and point to me and nod knowingly. Go talk to LA? Nuh uh. She’d eat me alive! For Christ’s sake LOOK at her! Anyone that big has got to be awful. Anyone with boobs like that HAS to be a slut, a man-stealer, and a world-class bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m a modern-day Doctor Mengele with machine gun equipped turbo-tits. I’ll kill you dead just as soon as look at you. I have not a shred of kindness or humanity so no need to worry about my feelings… We wicked giantesses don’t have any. . Have a nice day, ~LA
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