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My Profile
Fairytales for a Practical Princess - 2008-11-30
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9:25 p.m. - 2004-08-18
Okay. I have recovered from my Carrie’s mom ‘They’re all going to laugh at you’ paranoia. Insecurity happens, even to ravening gigantic scary ass bitches like me. Went up to the salon today. Zee graciously squeezed me in, I didn’t have an appointment. Had the highlights done. I think Zee was having an off day. I now have weird Richard Gere totally fake looking GREY hair. At least across the top. Grey hair. Middle-aged face. Teenybopper clothes. Little kid sneakers. I’ve heard of aging backwards, but this is silly. Actually it might be weirder the other way. Pigtails, dewy skin, frump clothes and old lady shoes. I don’t know. I’ll have to think on it. Yes, it’s going to one of those entries. Just as my highlights finished cooking, the power went off in the salon. A couple flickers then it stayed off. Someone came in and said the power was out all the way down the main drag of Malltown, not just our little acre of it. All three malls are on the main drag, two merging highways have exits, there’s turn lanes, clusters of gas stations and fast food joints, mini-plazas, muffler shops, 6 grocery stores and approximately 20 traffic lights on this single 3 mile chunk of road. And the power went out. At 6:00pm. Yeah, buddy. For some weird reason the salon still had water. Municipal supply, I guess. I’m a country girl. The power goes out so does the well pump. You got no lights, you got no water. During protracted outages I become the Potty Police and upon hearing the tell-tale thunk of the seat hitting the tank I scream, “DON’T FLUSH!” Thus guaranteeing a quick retreat back up the hose, a pained yelp, and a disgusted frustrated look from the male I just scared the piss back into. Hey, I know what happens when the tank’s flushed dry. Blech! Invariably someone will develop the squits. The smell. My God, the smell. Need I go on? I think not. So anyhow, Zee’s assistant rinses my hair. As my hair is sopping wet and it’s rather dim inside the salon I do not notice I have Richard Gere hair. Besides I was stoked by a compliment. Arliss is another of Zee’s long standing customers. She and I have become friendly in that casual ‘there are no secrets at the salon’ sort of way. I still had the cape on when Arliss came in. Zee urges me to lift up the cape and show Arliss the new bod. Now Arliss is bawdy, but she is seldom profane. When I lifted the cape she let loose with, “Holy shit!” That’s what I call an unqualified compliment. I brought some produce with me for Zee and Lisa. Busy Zee took a peek in the bag, made a yummy noise, and said thanks. Lisa, on the other hand, stared into the bag as though I had brought her a Holy Relic. So still was she that I started to laugh. “What? You’ve never gotten a zucchini before?” She looked up and said, “Not one I knew personally!” When I got done laughing I asked her why this was a deal. She shook her head. “LA! Gosh, you write, you lost a ton of weight, you grow your own vegetables, is there anything you don’t do?” I cracked up again and said, “Yeah. I don’t work.” Like, duh. If I had a job would I be farting around cross-breeding tomatoes? Only bums have time for horticulture. Blessed are the unemployed for they shall make us salads. Aging rapidly, ~LA
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