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Fairytales for a Practical Princess - 2008-11-30
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12:46 p.m. - 2004-07-18
Wow. Did Spider-man 2 suck! Unbelievably trite claptrap. This movie couldn’t make up its mind whether it was a cartoon, a fairytale, or a ‘serious’ tale wherein superheroes are real, but otherwise it’s a world which adheres to real life rules. It mixes all three in a horrible muddle. You’d think that somewhere in the last 72 years special effects might have improved, but nooooo. When Doc Ock snatches up Kirsten Dunst it might as well have been Faye Wray kicking and squealing in King Kong’s hand. The blue screening was that bad. Tobey Maguire’s red rimmed watery eyes made him look like he had a terrible head cold through the whole thing. I know he was in pain in real life, but isn’t there make-up? The dialog was so predictable I knew what each character would say 10 minutes before they said it. The ‘science’ was sooooo stupid it was insulting. Even leaving aside the quibble about the necessity of robotic octopus arms to control nuclear fission, the filmakers completely abandon the laws of physics, ignore the frailty of the human body, and people only get hurt by flying glass when it serves the purpose of the story. Otherwise one can stand in the storm of an exploding picture window and walk away without a scratch. And I really think 3 cameos by Stan Lee is too much. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. LA the Critic gives Spider-man 2 ZERO stars. Predictable again. The massive amounts of foreshadowing and plot set-ups for the third one are so heavy-heanded and obvious I’ll save you the dough. Here’s what happens in Spider-man 3: The neighbor kid who inherited Peter Parker’s comic book collection realizes how valuable they are. He sells them on eBay and uses the money to stop the foreclosure of Aunt May’s house. The whiny rich kid best friend takes up his dead father’s role as the Green Goblin. He and Spidey battle it out until whiny best friend comes to his senses and forgives Spider-man for killing his dad. Then whiny rich kid dies with a smile. Peter and MJ get married and have a kid. A baby Spider-man is born and the closing scene shows a splat of web being shot from the bassinet. I guarantee it. Look, I have no objection to schlock. Cornball can be fun. Take Flash Gordon. This movie is spectacularly bad. So horrific it ceases to be bad. Flash Gordon is a hoot because it’s so awful. Ed Wood would have loved it. Some of my favorite movies are ‘bad’ movies. Tremors. Big Trouble in Little China. Hell Comes to Frogtown. Movies that cheerfully jettison science, known reality, and even common sense. And they don’t care. This is the key. Spider-man 2 took itself too seriously and wanted us to take it seriously, yet also insisted on willing suspension of disbelief when it came to stunts and glaring lapses in its own reality. I don’t care how often his heart got stomped, Spider-man can hardly seem ‘more human’ if in between tear-jerky love scenes he’s shaking off falls from skyscrapers and running through burning buildings without mussing his hair. Pick a reality and stick with it. That’s all I ask. Harshly, ~LA
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