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My Profile
Because I can't bear to eulogize Doug - 2008-08-19
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9:15 p.m. - 2004-07-06
I am grateful for friends with connections. Lisa was able to hurry up my appointment with the infectious disease doctor. Thursday. Noon. Please God, some answers. I’m trying not to pin all my hopes on Lyme disease. The idea that I could do a course of IV antibiotics and be better sounds too wonderful. Totally worth an IV shunt in my arm for a couple of months. To be well? Bursting out of my skin, driving my car, staying awake, healthy self? What I wouldn’t give. I have to talk about something else. I’m crying all over myself. Left my house today. First time since the ER. Wobbled my way around Sam’s Club. I could have sent Mike with a list, but I wanted O-U-T. Tell you what, a half paralyzed face really helps with dieting. My skinny jeans are loose. My slinky t-shirt is baggy. My sneakers are too big. Mike laughed when I came downstairs. He made a mock frown and said, “I guess this means more clothes shopping.” And so I did. A pair of Levis. I haven’t owned a pair of Levis in 25 years. These are girl Levis, not classic 501’s. Don’t care. Thanks to my speed skater thighs I’ve never been able to wear Levis well. More of a Lee Rider girl. To pick up a pair of honest-to-God LEVIS and buy them just bonks me out. But I did. And they fit. Holy moly. Get this, only one size larger than what I wore on my wedding day. Not bad after 2 kids and 22 years. Funny thing about the Bell’s palsy, in a strange way it’s made one tiny dream of mine come true. I can raise my left eyebrow. I’ve always been able to cock my right eyebrow. A born skeptic, I suppose. Ever since I saw what John Belushi could do with those wonderfully expressive eyebrows of his I thought having ambidextrous eyebrows would be cool. I practiced and practiced, but I never could get that left eyebrow to go up on its own. I can now. Of course the right eyebrow just hangs there so I’m denied the silly triumph of having dually talented eyebrows. At least I can see what cocking my left eyebrow looks like. Okay, votes in. Was that THE most inane thing you’ve ever read at D-land or not? That’s me, a woman of sober virtue and deep thoughts. Just to prove what a substantial weighty minded person I am I’m now going to bitch about my hair. It’s a mess! Zee didn’t make it over to the house today. I’m some grouchy about it. With all the rest of my life gone fubar I was really looking forward to having a neatly clipped head. One thing I could count on and enjoy in this uncertain world. I like having a decent hairdo. It’s the one thing about my looks I have total control over. I didn’t ask to be tall or well endowed. I didn’t ask for gapped front teeth or green eyes. I’m glad about those things, but they are an accident of DNA. Hair? The hair is mine. About the only thing I’ve never done is wear it in dreads. Colored, curled, buzzed, beaded, bleached, greased, braided, teased, if it’s remotely in the realm of decorative things to do to hair I’ve done it. My motto has always been: Try it. Hair grows. Besides, if it comes down to it, you look good in hats. Wolf has announced he wants long hair like Daddy and Alex. I have mixed feelings about this. That bowl cut of his is too cute. It suits him to the ground. I don’t want to give it up. I’d have to give in sooner or later though. He couldn’t wear a bowl cut forever. No son of mine is going to be a dork like Richard Carpenter. So what’s a year or two? If he really wants to grow it out he might as well do it now. The messiness won’t bother him and the other kids won’t mock as they might later on. But Wolf is too pretty for long hair. He’d look like a girl. Even with his boy uniform of jeans and a t-shirt. I went after his bangs last week and he shrieked and ran away. “Noooooo! Long hair like Daddy! No cutting!” Eh. I’ll let him keep it for the summer. He may change his mind when it starts covering his eyes. Kind of weird to think that the Sage men all want long ponytails and I’m champing at the bit to get mine shorn. Something is skewed there somehow, though I’m the last one who’d say ‘long for girls/short for boys’ forever and amen selah! I love long haired guys. Maybe I just feel left out. They do this sometimes. They all step together over into Guy Land and they seem almost strangers to me, the only girl. It’s a distinct male energy I can feel buzzing between them. I can’t tie into it. It feels as foreign as breathing water. No gestalt. I laugh a little to think my body birthed these boys. Though Alex is a boy no longer, he’s a man. I made a man! Cool! Okay, Mike helped. Impossible to have cross-gender parthenogenesis. But still, from my very female body I produced two males. Rather amazing if I think about it. Wow. This is going nowhere. I got a backlog of words. Hurts my face to talk too long and they’re just squirting out here. Lucky you. I’ll go now. Chattily yours, ~LA
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