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Because I can't bear to eulogize Doug - 2008-08-19
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12:02 p.m. - 2004-07-01
Okay. Better. Darling Chai gave me a direction to go in and some simple practical advice. She also sat with me holding my hand from 45 miles away. (We Mom types have the longest arms in the world.) It helped immensely. So now I’m calmer. I have an SOS in to Bobbi. I’ve decided to go to the ER if she’ll take me. Alex is here to watch his brother. Mike had to go back to work today. Client’s situation was getting bad, no water. Alex made me some vegetable soup. Which I was able to eat. I cried and cried until all the tears were out. I got my grip again. It just gets so hard sometimes. Too overwhelming to deal sanely and rationally all the time. I’m lucky that I can usually recover fairly quickly. But when it gets so bad, I can’t remember ‘This too shall pass’. ‘Tharn’ I went tharn. A term coined by Richard Adams in Watership Down. Rabbits go tharn when they are too scared. It’s that oncoming headlights and you can’t move feeling. Too overwhelmed with panic to do anything useful to save yourself. I tend to spook badly because I see everything all at once. Can’t help it. Along with being exhausted and freaked out by my health, I know our financial situation, I know my extremely limited childcare options. ‘Later’ doesn’t exist. Everything happens NOW and ohmygod what can I do? I can’t see that the hospital will bill us and we will pay things off in time. There is only immediate financial ruin. Alex’s as well as ours because he will be fired from his job if he takes too much time off to watch his brother because I am a bed-ridden git. Out the ripples spread, disaster after disaster until my brain is scrambled and garbled with hysterical static. I’m my own worst enemy. I need Cher to come by once in a while, give me a good one to the jaw and shout, “Snap out of it!” Fortunately, what I have are some dynamite friends who bridge entire oceans with their care and love. If for some reason Bobbi can’t take me, I’ll have Mike take me tonight when he gets home. He’s been marvelous, but he’s scared and could probably use some direction too. Thanks, ~LA
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