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My Profile
Because I can't bear to eulogize Doug - 2008-08-19
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9:23 p.m. - 2004-05-20
God, I hate this. It’s like whenever anything bad happens in the Now my wretched childhood comes back and bites me in the ass too. I’ve done enough time for that, thank you. It should lie down and die already. I suppose it’s better that I acknowledge the shit that happened to me and that it has its fangs in me yet. I went a long, long time denying there was anything wrong with me. Ms Fine. Fine. Fine. Seeing your issue for what they are is healthy, right? It’s just that I’m like, “Enough! Enough already! My marriage is a mess. Physically I’m falling to pieces. My hormones are in a rampage. One kid is a bum and the other one is a stubborn brat who wrong-foots me no matter how hard I try. Money is tight. Do I really have to deal with the miserable past too?” I don’t even trust my reactions to things. How much is just my old powerless desperation from back then and how much is what’s going on now? I’m thinking I need some major shrinkage. Are there therapists who make house calls? There might be, but probably they specialize in agoraphobics. One of the things I’m angriest about is losing my wheels, a shrink who coaxes people out of their houses I don’t need. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So, dipped in SPF 1,000,000 I went out to plant today. Got more in than I thought I would. Helped that I’d weeded out the beds a few weeks ago. The stuff which had sprouted since was easily uprooted and gone pretty quickly. I’m a lousy cottage gardener. No higgledy-piggledy charm for me! No matter how hard I tried to be random, the stuff kept lining up neatly in a nicely balanced color scheme. I’m such an anal fashionista even my flowers have to be well groomed and coordinated! Sick. I am a sick puppy. But I think we established that already, didn’t we? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tomorrow SIL is coming up to take me out. I’m trying very hard not to get freaky and guilty. See, we’re going to IKEA. This means she drives UP from the bowels of NJ. Picks my lame butt up. Then turns around and drives back DOWN to NJ. I appreciate it. I can’t help feeling dumb, though. In the normal course of things if we were going to do an IKEA spree I’d have met her there. Paramus is about mid-way between us. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! I HATE not being able to drive!!!! I’m not going to spoil the day with a lot of overly humble slobbering gratitude. Uriah Heep wasn’t anyone’s favorite mall buddy. However, if she doesn’t let me treat for lunch there’s gonna be trouble. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I mentioned the sunblock up there. I had to laugh. I slathered on the sunblock. Wore my widest brimmed hat. Followed the house’s shadow as I planted, always keeping in the shade. Then I came inside. Took a shower. And meticulously applied tan-in-a-bottle. What else can I do? My skin is nearly ruined from sun damage. I have gross blobby freckles on my legs. My forehead and upper lip go black with the tiniest amount of exposure. Leftover mask of pregnancy from Wolf. When it first happened I had no idea what it was and spent a small fortune on Jolens bleach before I figured out it wasn’t hair on my upper lip, it was sun damage. I switched moisturizers for the summer, going with a higher SPF version. The first time I used it Wolf took a sniff, gave me a kiss and said, “You smell like the beach!” I’m a goon with the sunblock on my kids. I coat Wolf so thickly that after one roll in the sand he looks like a breaded veal cutlet. It made me a little sad that my olfactory memory of the shore is a combo of ocean salt, hot grease from the boardwalk eateries, rotting fish, and that peculiar kelp smell under the piers. And my kid identifies with the scent of sunblock. What have we done to this planet? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I’m hoping I’ll be able to personally thank all of you for your wonderful friendship, but I’m so lucky to have so many people to thank and it’s going to take a bit to get caught up. Especially if I’m going to go gallivant around IKEA. Better get some rest. Good night, ~LA
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