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My Profile
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone... - 2009-11-05
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9:41 a.m. - 2004-05-14
He bought me an air-conditioner. I’m so disappointed I’m dripping tears into my tea. An air-conditioner? Humiliation, frustration, emotional blackmail and enough passive-aggressive bullshit to make Freud blanch and he thinks I can be fobbed off with a window unit? Yeah yeah, I get it. It’s a peace offering. He installed it and everything. Not even making a face when I suggested he move it to a window that doesn’t block my view of the backyard. I don’t care. An air-conditioner isn’t good enough. I’m not some dumb dog who can be bought off with a Milk-Bone. I don’t want presents. I want decency. I want respect. I want significant change, not some chilly air. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How did it get this bad again? I’ve been wondering too. Been doing a lot of thinking on it. Besides the siren song of the familiar there is this: I do not have the energy. I already have too much shit on my plate. Mike makes life so unpleasant that I just can’t deal. Seriously, it’s just fucking easier to give in. I’m in pain. I’m scared. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. To have to war with my stinking husband on top of the toadload I already deal with is impossible. He takes full advantage of this. So. My husband isn’t simply an emotional retard and a manipulative asshole, he gets his jollies from tormenting someone who has neither the energy nor the strength to fight back. Gee, my panties are damp. (*snort*) For 22 years I’ve slogged it out, firmly believing that Love Conquers All. Well, it doesn’t. In the deafening silence of the last few days I’ve realized something, I don’t think I love him anymore. It’s not drama. It’s not pique. It’s the truth. Mike has shown me who he is and how far he’s willing to go to get his way. I don’t like what I see and I don’t like Mike. His cruelty, his indifference, his utter self-absorption, I looked at those things and felt my heart harden. 22 years of having someone fuck with my peace of mind. 22 years of having the person who is supposed to love me best play on my insecurities just so he doesn’t have to bother to be a stand-up guy is outraging. I grew up in Hell and I still managed to be decent. I believe in kindness, tolerance, tenderness, compassion, and forgiveness. Mike grew up a best loved son in a warm and caring family and he’s a bully and a bottom dealer. Withholding affection, playing little power games, the man is a dick. An utterly selfish, emotionally stunted rat bastard who’s foisted his misanthropy and bitterness onto me. Making me believe I was the one with the problem. Blithely blaming me and heaping scorn on my head until I was beaten down enough to be a good nigger and ALWAYS let ‘Massa’ have his way. Yeah? Well he can take his air-conditioner and ride on out of here. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need to think. It’s pretty damn scary to be reevaluating my life at this stage of the game. I don’t have a lot of options. I am without health and income. I have a young son who needs a home. There’s 29 years to go on the mortgage. Pretty difficult to make a new life for myself when 4 days out of 5 I can’t even drive to the Shoprite. I’ll tell you this though, a roof over my head isn’t enough of a trade-off for the shit Mike tries to make me eat. Has made me eat for more than 2 decades. Working for a change in venue and menu, ~LA
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