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My Profile
Fairytales for a Practical Princess - 2008-11-30
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1:29 p.m. - 2004-05-09
So LA, what did you get for Mother’s Day? I got the absolute most precious commodity in this house, I got to SLEEP. Sleep, glorious sleep. Unbroken sleep. I slept until 9:45! I have not slept past 8:00 since Wolf was born. Most days I’m up at dawn. This morning I got to sleep in until I woke up of my own accord. Ahhhhhhhhhhh….. When I found my boys Wolf grumpily told me he was in jail. He was in kid jail. Mike tipped me a wink. I don’t know exactly how he did it, quite possibly he resorted to lock and key, but he managed to keep our boy (aka: Noise O’Plenty) from racketing around and waking me up. I have not felt this well in years. Seriously. It might sound like a little thing to you, but since Wolf made the scene I’ve racked up enough sleep debt to declare bankruptcy. Better than flowers or candy or even a Prada purse, I got enough sleep! A very happy Mother’s Day indeed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I’ve gotten curious about the actual number of pounds I’ve lost. I haven’t weighed myself since Feb 5th. At that time I was down 25lbs from my start weight in early November. It’s been 3 months since I stepped on the scale at IKEA and I’m almost into regular women’s sizes now. I’m thinking I’ve probably lost 50 pounds all together. I know I’ve said the number on the scale isn’t important, it’s how I look and feel. But I’m curious just the same. Speaking of how I look and feel, I guess I don’t need to tell you how bonkers Mike is these days. I’m conflicted about this. It’s nice that he’s appreciative. But all the same it hurts that he was so cold to me while I was fatter. It also makes me scared. I honestly believe my marriage depends on how much I weigh. That’s a pretty crappy thing to live with. He could do richer and poorer and sickness and health, but not fat? I sort of get where his insane prejudice comes from. Nobody in his family is fat. Nobody. They take thinness for granted. To them overweight is a character defect. Fat goes hand-in-hand with cowardly, weak, lazy, and gross. Growing up in the military reinforced the idea. The Army has no use for fat people. The overweight are discharged and even just the slightly chunky have a tough time getting promotions. You wouldn’t think dependents came under the same scrutiny, but they do. Having a fat wife was a career killer. I know this from my own time as an Army wife. Nobody above the rank of buck sergeant or 2nd lieutenant had a porky wife. And the further up the ranks you went the thinner the wives got. Mike grew up with the subliminal message: Fat = Worthless. I got fat ergo I was a worthless wife. I simply wasn’t on his radar anymore. It was like my fat was a cloaking device. He still lived with me and the kids, but a lot of what he did was rote. Most of the time his ‘there’ wasn’t there, you know? He rarely made eye contact and would only touch me in the dark. There was that making me wait in the car thing and never introducing me to his clients and contractor buddies. There are like 5 pictures of me in the hundreds he’s shot during the last 7 years. None at all from 2002 when I was at my heaviest. I’ve tried talking about this with him, but usually end up changing the subject or leaving the room. There’s a backlog of hurt and resentment I’m not ready to deal with yet and talking to Mike is too painful. I know I’d end up screaming and crying. Maybe even taking a sock at him. Down deep I’m that mad. In fact I’d better shut up about it or I’ll be sad for the rest of the day. And I don’t want to be sad, it’s Mother’s Day. A group high 5 to all the moms out there, ~LA
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