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My Profile
Fairytales for a Practical Princess - 2008-11-30
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9:58 p.m. - 2003-10-31
My tiger is tanked. I’ll say one thing for my kid, he’s a sleeper. He could be doing his peculiar version of the Highland Fling on his hopper (mini-trampoline) and singing bawdy Popeye songs at the top of his voice and I say that it’s bedtime and WHOOSH! The kid is tooth brushed, faced washed, empty bladdered, and under the covers in nano-seconds. It’s his one survival skill. Okay, maybe cuteness saved him a couple times too, but mostly what has kept this child from being an infanticide victim is that I know that no matter how bumptious the day when 8:30 rolls around it is OVER. Before Alex left for college I didn’t have quite the checkered flag relief I feel these days. After Wolf went down for the night it was Alex’s turn to start grillin’ and thrillin’ the Mom. Report cards of stunning mediocrity were unearthed and handed over. Confessions to bent retainers, lost text books, and girlfriends with obscene piercings. He’d want to engage me in long discussions about why Link was the coolest video game character EVER because he was left handed. (Nevermind about DaVinci and Michelangelo and Babe Ruth being Southpaws, my geekoid left handed kid was in ecstacy over some pixels in a bad Peter Pan outfit.) Yeah, most nights Alex made sure the Mom Express kept rolling until nearly midnight. I didn’t make it to the class party. I wasn’t one of the volunteer moms, but I feel like I should go to all the doings. If we still lived at the Big House I might have chanced it. A 3 minute drive around the corner and if nobody hurried me from behind I could do the whole trip in 2nd gear. But Spazmo Suprimo wasn’t up to the challenge of piloting the badass car the long miles between here and Wolf’s school. I missed the World’s Safest Halloween Parade. I had been kind of curious about what the other parents had managed to come up with for costumes which fell in line with the excessively silly edicts from the main office. If Wolf hadn’t already had his tiger costume I would have dressed him in every piece of safety gear I could scrounge including a bike helmet, knee and elbow pads, a SARS mask and a whiplash collar, buckled a pillow around his butt, made him carry a bottle of antibacterial waterless hand sanitizer in one hand and a cell phone in the other, and hung a sign from his neck (on a break-away safety tether, of course) saying, “Are We Having Fun Yet?” And I wonder why the PTA hates me. We had one group of Trick-or-Treaters stop by. That’s it. As usual we had eaten all the Halloween candy I’d bought early and last night Mike ran up to Sam’s and lugged home the 55 gallon drum of Wonka’s Best. We had no idea what kind of crowd we might be in for. Our road isn’t heavily populated, but it’s best to be prepared. We tried to foist as much as we could on the three little kids who DID show up, but finally their dad begged us to stop. Man, we’re going to be gnawing on Nerds and sucking Everlasting Gobstoppers until Judgement Day. Happy Halloween, y’all. ~LA Tonight’s Pick: “Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett
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