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My Profile
Because I can't bear to eulogize Doug - 2008-08-19
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12:05 p.m. - 2003-08-03
Tom Petty and Bob Dylan are doing a show together at the PNC Arts Center way down yonder in NJ. The local radio stations are demented with this. DJs, gagging with excitement, offer caller 9 a chance to qualify for the drawing for tickets and how one lucky winner will get a limo ride to the show and a back stage pass. This contest is sponsored by a "gentleman's" club and the limo will be stocked with not only top shelf booze, but a pair of strippers too! Oh boy. Sign me up. Not. My first thought when I heard about the concert was, "Gross. The Battle of the Nasally Whiners.” Tom Petty and Dylan both sound as though their adenoids are larger than their vocal cords. Then when I heard about the contest and its “Grand Prize” the Ugh factor trebled and I thought the only thing I MIGHT enjoy less than being trapped in a prom puke smelling limo with Bubbles and LaVerne the Toothless and Topless Twins while we chug down to Holmdale NJ to see some stone aged ugly guys whine their greatest hits while an audience of inappropriately dressed youth chasing Baby Boomers moan in ecstasy would be to get a Brazilian bikini wax from a former East German shot-putter named Gertrudis. I will definitely NOT be caller 9. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Speaking of phone calls, the Retail Avenger came out to kick some butt this week. The following is a letter I wrote to the Editor-in-Chief of our local rag, “The Misspelled Tribune”: ‘Dear Mr. L, I used to love "The Tribune" and was a happy subscriber for 17 years. My problem is not with the paper per se`, but with the subscription department and its relentless phone soliciting. I know this is not your department and that likely the phone solicitation is subcontracted and out of your purvey, in fact I know it is because one solicitor who called at 11:30pm from San Diego claimed she could not be responsible for the time difference, but as head honcho it's your name on the mast head. Calls and letters to the circulation dept itself have netted zilch and I am BEGGING you for some relief. I receive an average of 25 calls A WEEK asking me to subscribe. This has gone on for over 6 years and the calls came whether I was currently subscribing or not. It's beyond aggravating. Yesterday for example, I was waiting for results from my son's doctor and could not let the machine pick up and was bombarded with no less than NINE solicitors all calling to get me to re-up with the paper. Nine. In one day. Each and every one was told explicitly that I wished to be removed from the call lists, something I do each time I get zapped with a call. (Of which there have literally been hundreds.) Is it not illegal to continue to harass someone who has stated CLEARLY and DEFINITELY that there are to be no further calls? And it IS harassment. No one should have to put up with this and I feel as the face man for the "Tribune" that you should have SOME control over the paper's amok and criminal policy regarding the solicitation of customers. The relentless and constant phone calls are driving me mad. I stopped subscribing. Stopped buying. And even hearing someone say, "In today's paper..." is enough to make my stomach knot up. I am simply that fed up with anything to do with "The Tribune". Your attention regarding this matter is most appreciated. Sincerely, L.A. Sage Big White House Podunkville NY 10000 (555) 555-5555 (Though, I'm sure if you needed it otherwise my number is programmed into your circulation dept's speed dial.) I haven’t heard back from the editor yet, but the last call I got from the paper was early Friday afternoon. I only got 3 calls that day and am beginning to hope that maybe my letter had some effect. Usually Saturday is when the solicitors pull out all the stops and call in a continuous barrage from dawn until midnight. In fact one Saturday the call waiting went off while I was on the line with one bozo trying to make him understand that I wished to be left alone and when I clicked over it was another guy wanting me to sign up with the paper too! Double Teaming! If it weren’t so invasive, nerve wracking, and fucking aggravating I’d almost have to flattered to be desired this much by anyone....Almost. That National Do Not Call List can’t go into effect soon enough for me! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You know how chain stores are usually identical no matter what their location? Like how a Wal-mart is a Wal-mart is a Wal-mart and how be you in Augusta GA or Augusta ME you can go into the Wal-mart and know where to find what you’re looking for? You’d THINK the same would hold true about grocery stores. But nooooo. Some evil gnomes in the Shoprite hierarchy must have taken some seminars in “Creative Store Design” and were allowed a free hand when laying out the Shoprite store near the new house. It’s fricken weird in there. I mean, I’ve been in marketing long enough to understand shifts in the stock to accommodate the local market, such as the area around Hometown’s Shoprite has a much larger Jewish population than near the Mini-dunk Shoprite and it makes sense that the mighty kosher food section of Hometown’s store is reduced to a single end cap of matzo and some Glatt tuna fish in Mini-dunk’s, but I’m talking about the actual lay-out of the place. For example: Mini-dunk’s Shoprite has TWO freezer/cooler sections. And they’re not even adjacent! They’re separated by 3 dry goods aisles! In freezer section #1 are all the veggies and prepared meals and pre-cooked meats. But BREAKFAST food isn’t in freezer #1, it’s in freezer #2. Except for Brown-n-Serve sausage. That’s back in freezer #1. Waffles are in #2, along with pre-made breakfast sandwiches which have SAUSAGE in them! And all I wanted yesterday was some bacon. Back and forth I went. No bacon. Why? Because bacon merits its own free-standing chest cooler which is 9 aisles back the other way near the seafood dept. (The seafood dept, btw, is crammed in between the beef and pork sections of the meat counter and if you want to speak to a butcher you have to go back to the bakery dept because the custom meat is dispensed right next to the birthday cakes.) AND Mini-dunk’s Shoprite is the only grocery I’ve ever been in which has cul-de-sacs rather than open ended aisles. No lie. You turn up an aisle thinking you’re in the clear to go from aisle #3 to aisle #4 and halfway down are halted by a wall of lawn furniture and citronella tiki torches. You literally have to make a K-turn with the cart and go back out the way you came in. And like the whacked-out division of products between the freezer sections, you also have to be from Planet Mongo to decipher the extravagant and seemingly arbitrary divisions of other similar products. Pet FOOD is in aisle #5. But kitty litter, pet grooming products, and flea collars are in a separate cluster of mini aisles near the front of the store. Liquid laundry detergent is next to the dish soap, but powdered laundry detergent is in the next aisle snugged in next to the cake mixes. I’m guessing they apportioned things out by texture rather than use. I’m not overly fond of having to break in a new grocery store anyhow, but the Electric Kool-Ade Acid Trip that is Mini-dunk’s Shoprite is more of a challenge than any sane hausfrau should have to deal with. Beating a hasty retreat back to my icy cool bedroom and my new cache of videos, ~LA Today’s Snarky Pick: “Don’t Do Me Like That” by Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
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