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Because I can't bear to eulogize Doug - 2008-08-19
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1:36 p.m. - 2003-07-07
Today is Wolf's first day of summer school. I'm never sure if he understands when I tell him in advance something is going to happen. Anticipation isn't his strong suit. He lives completely in the Now. This is one of the reasons it's been difficult to discipline him. He usually has to make the same mess or fall out of the same tree several times before it truly sinks in that something is naughty or dangerous. Yet ironically, along with his audiographic memory for music, he's got geographic steel trap in his head. For example, we went to a particular park once when he was 2. We went back last fall when he was 5 and before we even made the turn into the parking area he was bouncing in his carseat and yelling, "Wow! The playground with the round and round slide!" He knows where we're going even when he's sunk into the depths of the badass car's windowless backseat and can only catch mere glimpses of the outside world through the windshield. I've been telling him for 2 weeks now that he will be going to a different school. He may have some of his classmates from this year in his summer class, but he may not. In either case there will be lots of new friends to make. He'll have a new teacher. A new classroom. A new cafeteria. A new playground. And most especially he'll have a new bus. It will go a different route. His ride will be much longer. Liz won't be the driver. But the good news is that bully who used to reach over the seat and pull his hair WON'T be on this bus. What I didn't tell him is that for the summer he'll be riding the short bus. God, the short bus. Intellectually I understand the reasoning for the short bus. A big bus would be a waste for the 3 or 4 kids who'll be on the route. Gas mileage and all that. Plus the drivers and helpers on the short buses have had extra training to handle their “different” passengers and the kids are that much safer. But it hurt me just the same when my beautiful boy climbed aboard this morning. There’s a whole tangled ‘thing’ inside me. One, there is always guilt when I’m smacked in the face with Wolf’s disabilities. What had I done to damage my child? No matter that in all probability Wolf’s neurological problems are genetic and come from Mike’s DNA. That like hemophilia Wolf’s problems are a Y-chromosome King’s curse and I am not to blame at all. But you ask any mother of a handicapped child and she will tell you about the guilt, underserved or not. Two, the guilt goes hand in hand with sorrow and fear of the future. At home Wolf is just Wolf. Even with all his bumptiousness he’s just my boy. When the world gets involved though, he’s looked at like a case. A ‘challenged’ child or whatever the current p.c. term is these days. A creature from outside the norm and my goodness, what EVER will become of such a one? I honestly don’t know if there are parties and dances and driver’s licenses and honor rolls and graduations and college in my son’s future. The far view of Wolf’s life is one big Maybe. But mostly what hurt so bad this morning was Wolf’s innocent pleasure getting on his new bus. He’s completely unaware of the short bus stigma. That ‘riding the short bus’ is slang for those who are stupid. The short bus riders are the marginal, “the retards”, the weirdos and to be tagged a short bus rider is to be the butt of a joke. It’s an insult used by those who have little compassion. Rotten dirtbags who find humor in mocking the handicapped. My heart just broke thinking that some day Wolf WILL get ‘the joke’. His peers will be quick to bring it home to him. Their mockery and laughter will be loud and long. And what will my little Wolf do then? Will it break his heart as mine is already broken on his behalf? Will he be ashamed of who and what he is? Will his open face and easy hugs shrivel as he becomes self-aware and protective of his feelings? Will he close himself off? A defiant loner as his dad and his uncles were? I shiver with dread. And the hell is I cannot begin to teach him to hold his head high without first making him aware that most people think he has reason to be ashamed. Wolf has yet to discover ANY of it. As I said at the beginning, Wolf lives in the Now. HIS Now. He hasn’t noticed yet that he’s in special ed. That not every classroom has observation windows and a steady parade of therapists. That he and his classmates are shunted off and not included in most larger school activities. That they go on no field trips or attend no special assemblies. Wolf is what he is and I fear the time coming when he discovers what the world says he is not. ~LA
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