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My Profile
Retro-retrospection - 2008-10-06
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3:27 p.m. - 2003-07-01
I've been shopping the candidates. This salad bar of Democratic potentials ranges from the absurd, like the chocolate dipped pickled beets Al Sharpton, to the utterly bland iceberg lettuce Dick Gephardt. It’s been difficult to choose which one I would want a steady diet of. Not only for the duration of the campaign season, but one I could live with for the next 4-8 years. While the flavor of each candidate is being weighed, I’ve also been factoring in the name and appearance of the possibles. It’s a sorry truth, but a candidate has to have some visual appeal and a decent name or he’ll never attract much support from this fast food nation. No matter how tasty and good for you he might be, funny looking and goofily named Kucinich is the garbanzo bean of the hopefuls. And no garbanzo bean in the history of the States has ever made it to the White House. More Dukakis, anyone? Moseley-Braun? A hyphenated female candidate? Not bloody likely. Hillary Rodham Clinton was burned in effigy for daring to include her maiden name and she was only the First Lady, not the head honcho. A country which has states that outlaw dildos and contraceptives will NEVER accept a woman president, let alone an “exotic” woman of color with a hyphenated name. She’s way too mango for the apple pie crowd. The chubby cheeked Graham is the tomato candidate. A little too round and a bit too squishy to be leader material. He looks like he should be hosting a fishing show on TNN. His bland affability might sell well, but one Ginzu knife type crisis and he’d be sliced and diced. Lieberman is certainly sturdy enough, but he’s a local favorite. Getting middle America to try a knish would be an uphill battle akin to getting a six year old to try an artichoke. We’re not that far past the hysteria surrounding Kennedy’s Catholicism. Nope, a kosher candidate will just have to wait a few more decades (or millennia) until Americans open their little pea brains far enough to accept a non-Christian in the Oval Office. Kerry’s got the right name and pedigree, but have you seen this guy? He’s as tempting as wilted celery. His mournful hound dog face and scholar’s stoop would be hard pressed to appeal to voters who flock to grinning glad handing fools. Kerry looks like that humorless English teacher who never graded on the curve. And you know how popular those guys are. Sorry, Mr. Chips, I’m passing you over too. Now Edwards is fresh and crisp. Got that Kennedy-esque crunch with some Moonpie southern overlay too. His problem is he’s so middle of the road his candidacy reeks of tar. He’s as generic as a chunk of interstate highway. He could be anywhere, you know? We don’t need a Republocrat. Bad for the digestion. So I’m left with Dean. A lettuce candidate for sure, but romaine. Some color, some taste, a bit of zing, but not overpoweringly acerbic. I like what he’s got to say. I like that he’s been smart enough to utilize the Net effectively, yet isn’t above getting out there and pressing the flesh. His campaign is well run, organized, and accessible to just about everyone. I also like that he’s a physician, not a lawyer. Doctor Dean is just what this ailing country needs to be cured of Bush Fever and Chaney-itis. Congratulations Howard Dean, LA the Sage has just given you the Smart Chick’s Seal of Approval. Run hard. We’re counting on you. ~LA
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