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My Profile
Because I can't bear to eulogize Doug - 2008-08-19
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9:47 a.m. - 2003-06-03
Do you ever get to that point if your husband does one more moronic thing you'll bash his head in with a iron frying pan? That's where I am now. Actually I'm past the frying pan and into death by fire ants. The only way I can keep the shrieks of aggravated frustration in is imagining Mike buried to his chin in an ant mound. AND his head is covered in honey. He's just so fucking clueless! One tiny example. This morning he was digging through the linen closet looking for something tatty to cover the furniture we've already taken to the new house. The floor guys make a phenominal amount of dust. There are MOUNTAINS of scrubby blankets and ugly sheets. He's digging and digging. He ignores the obvious crap stuff and pulls out my special fancy patchwork quilt. Fortunately I was nearby and pulled the quilt out of his hands and reached out 2 ratty blankets and a sheet which were RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE!!! And this shit goes on and on and on. Using my huge stainless steel frying pan to make Wolf an egg. Cooks it on the highest flame and is SURPRISED when the lone egg in a huge frying pan with NO butter or Pam in it scorches and sticks so badly that I had to soak the pan for an entire day before I could get any of the scorched mess loose. To make all of this more absurd, to get to the big frying pan he had to take out 4 other frying pans, including the wee Silverstone one he's seen me use a thousand times to make Wolf's eggs in. There are 3 open dandruff shampoos in the tub, but only one open bar of his soap in the bathroom. He keeps moving the soap from shower to sink and back again. Although there is an entire 12 pack of Irish Spring in the bathroom closet which he goes into EVERY DAY to dig out a fresh towel which he will use once and leave somewhere else. On the hall floor. In the bottom of his closet. On my bed. God forbid he hangs the damn towel up on the towel rack in the bathroom. I ask you, how can such a smart guy be so goddamn STUPID??? I've been trying to get the guys to be more self-sufficient and instead of making my life easier it's made it a thousand times worse. They start a load of laundry and then leave it in the machine for 3 days so it's all stanky and smelly and THEN put it in the dryer. Mike will get the baby dressed for school and will put Wolf in a pair of purple sweatpants, a red and green plaid dress shirt, and swim shoes. Blind monkeys would do a better job. Alex is catching up with his father in terms of boneheadedness too. And you know how Wolf is. All 3 of them are conspiring to drive me straight jacket and Thorazine crazy. Any day now those nice young men in their pretty white coats will be hauling me away to the Happy Home where life is beautiful all the time and I'll never have to find out they made a ghost costume out my best antique damask tablecloth or they blew up the microwave (again!)by reheating stuff in tin foil. ~LA the Grand Marshall of the Dipshit Parade
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